


If I stay

by My_name_is_Angelica_schuyler



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Cancer, Depressed Luke, Depression, Fan Soundtracks, Inspired by a Movie, Lots of tears, M/M, Sad, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, a little pinch of happiness, i might add them later, theres more
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-02-12 23:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2128662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_name_is_Angelica_schuyler/pseuds/My_name_is_Angelica_schuyler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you have to disapper to find yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Well hi there. 
> 
> so Ive been wanting to write this story for a long time. But i just couldnt get my thoughts together. This story is kind of like the new movie If i stay. which is where i got the title form. you can watch that trailer here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH6PNeTy6Nc.
> 
> If you trigger easily you might have to read at your own risk.  
> Im not making fun of anyone. I myself am diagnosed with depression and I just needed people to make this story better. so why not use my favorite band?  
> I really hope you enjoy it. and i probably wont make you cry but if i do lol im sorry. I know some of you guys are like where is ashton but dont worry its all part of my evil plan. haha
> 
> enjoy
> 
> ashxx

And he stares.

 

He stares out the window and watches as winter in the city of New York makes its way through. The coldness seeps and the sky looks like a spilled watercolored mess.

 

Its breathtaking.

 

Well to Luke  it is.  

 

The sadness of the city  makes the 17 year old feel like hes not alone. He not the only one feeling this sadness.

 

And thats ok.

 

Really.

 

Luke doesnt recall when he had gotten this sad. But he doesnt like to think about it. Because after all. Hes only sad sometimes and everyone is sad sometimes.

 

_Right?_

 

Well Luke believes so, maybe because he has no one to tell this to and no one to tell him the truth.

 

Luke is depressed.

 

Its as simple as that. 

And well no one wants to hear that especially Luke because hes not depressed. He is  _fine._

He smiles and laughs and he doesnt stay in bed all day he isnt always alone. 

 

Luke is _fine._

 

If anything. Michael is the one depressed. He hates the outside world and never smiles.

 Yea. thats the true definition of depression, its Michael Clifford.

 

But Luke loves him either way. To Luke Michael is still his best friend 7 years ago and the fact that he smokes and listens to wierd screaming bands changes nothing. Michael is still  _Michael._

And Luke is _fine._

He thinks about that while his mother hums gently to the song thats playing on the radio. Theyre almost home and its been a long week visting family in Australia and yea Luke loves his family but damn.

 

Jetleg is a bitch. 

 

Hes currently pressed against the passenger window, watching billboards and building in such a dull look its mind bottling.

He loves new york. Been living here for about 8 months now and yea its cool. The nights are bright and the views are amazing. Luke likes that alot.

Michael is half dead in the back laying down with his long legs in every wierd angle possibly invented and the car is a comfortable silence that Lukes gotten so used to he doesnt really need any help to fall asleep. His eyes fall and his heartbeats slow and it feels almost as if he is dieing in a slow beautiful way.

 

Dieing.

 

Luke has been thinking about death these whole 2 weeks. He doesnt know why but he just is. He would watch people walk across the street from is tiny window in his room and think about how they would die. In solace or disgrace. In beauty or horror. He even thinks about his mothers death which sickens him to the stomach but he just cant help but to think about these things, to think about the end for every person he sees. For every person he knows.

 

Michael scares him the most though. 

 

He stares at Michael as the elder boy shows pale white skin and a ghostly white hair to match. He thinks about Michael alot these days, mostly because he's worried. 

 

Michael hasnt had the best life. 

 

His mother died a few years back.

 

His fathers an asshole.

 

So thats why Michael was always at his house always sleeping in Lukes bed when Luke was at work.

He would come home to find the boy already there. (He knows where they hide the key)

 

Then one day. Liz found out about Michaels life and well.

 

Michael lives with them. And he calls Liz mum.

 

Sometimes.

 

So yea, it crosses Lukes mind about how his friend would die. He would imagine it be in a loud, soft and loving way. Like pushing that women out of the cars view or jumping in front of that bullet to save the father with 3 kids .

 

Yea. Thats how he would go.

 

But sometimes Luke looks at Michael and he notices such a wide sadness that it looks like its breaking Michaels bones. He gets scared that.

 

Michael might put the gun to his own head.

 

He quickly dismisses that thought everytime it lurks in.

 

Then finally. He thinks of his own death.

 

And well...nothing. 

 

He simply doesnt know how his own death would occur. He would like to imagine it would be herroic like Mikeys or even peacful like the poeple on the street. But he's simply stump. 

 

How would Luke Robert Hemmings die?

 

He just doesnt know. 

 

He just doesnt.

 

*********************_____________________________*******************************

The second Lukes eyes close they flutter open again. Then he looks over to see the apartment he came to know as his home.

 

"Were home baby" HIs mother wishpers, Michael seems to still be out in the backseat.

 

Liz gets Mikey up ( _oh_ Luke thinks  _doesnt snap and kick at her though_ )

 

And together the little family of three makes their way into the apartment. 

 

Its rather fancy if Luke says himself. Liz had to move out here for the makeup company's sake and the best they could do for her was give her this fancy 2 floor New York apartment.  Liz didnt like it because it just seemed to posh for them, the little family from Australia but Luke loved it. 

 

Michael didnt care.

 

He had a place to live that wasnt with his father.

 

He would be happy with a cardboard box.

 

The three all went inside and the place smelled of sand and cinnamon and Luke missed it. Even if its only been a week.

 

The three say nothing as each makes their way to their room.

Liz at the bottom.

The boys at the top.

Luke falls back to sleep instantly. Not even taking his shoes off.

 

********************************************______________________________******************************

When he does wake up this time its 9 at night and the New York sky looks like its on fire. With pierce oranges and yellows. With firey reds and pale whites.

 

And Luke thinks of it again.

 

Breathtaking.

 

He gets up realizeing he smells of airline food and sleep and goes for the shower.

 

But when he gets there its already occupied.

 

"Oh come on Michael get the fuck out!"

"LUKE"

 

"Sorry"

 

"HA"

 

He bangs on the door but it seems to not faze Michael one bit.

 

Asshole.

 

"Alright Im off." His mother says as she slips on her black shoes.

 

"Where ya going"

"Out"

 

And he just stares.

 

"Its only a date Lukes" And he knows she feels bad because she adds a "s" at the end of his name.

 

"Ok"

 

"Love you both"

 

"Bye mum"

 

"BYE LIZ!"

 

"GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!"

 

And then shes gone. 

 

Michael comes out with a steam following behind and Luke just dumbly stares at him.

 

 

"What?"

 

"There better be hot water"

 

 

"So what you can splash around like a whale?"

 

Luke doesnt respond but insteads walks into the bathroom.

 

He blasts his music because he cant dare be left alone in the quietness with his thoughts, bad things always seems to come like that. So he puts on the first song he sees on his playlist and undress.

 

When the shower comes on and thankfully, is hot Luke stands there for a few mintues thinking over the past week remembering little things he didnt even think he knew. He finally does make an attempt at washing up and so, what he makes a mess.

 

_who cares._

 

Apperntly Michael does."God dammit Hemmings why is there more water on the floor than the bathtub?"

 

"huh"

 

"urghhhh" 

 

The two find a pizza place and get it delivered and put on a movie when it comes. 

 

They sit in a comfortable silence eating but niether really paying attention to the movie.

 

They never do.

 

When the movie does go off it around 11 and niether really are ready for bed. So Luke sits on the couch and plays his guitar while Michael plays a video game that Luke will never understand. 

******************************_______________________________**************************************

 

But Luke cant help himself.

 

He just cant.

 

Its around 12 when Michael goes into his wierd state of mind.

 

He turns off all the lights and and t.vs and together they sit in darkness. Its not complete darkness. You can never be in complete darkness in New York.

 

"Why do you do that?"

 

"Do what?"

 

"Turn off all the lights when it gets midnight?"

 

And the city lights illuminate Michaels skin. His green eyes look like diammonds and in that moment Luke can see it.

 

The sadness that is always well hidden.

 

Mikey shruggs and looks away. But Luke doesnt stop.

 

"Does it make you feel better?"

 

"No"

 

"Then why?"

 

Michael has some type of bittersweet smile on his face and he looks so perfect that it hurts Luke to know hes so sad.

 

"Sometimes you have to disapper to find yourself"

 

_Well, thats fucking stupid._

 

"huh"

 

"Nevermind you wouldnt understand."

 

 

"Yea thats that songwriters shit huh?"

 

And they both laugh.

 

But when Luke goes to lay down that night. He doesnt laugh.

 

He just thinks.

 

_Sometimes you have to disapper to find yourself._

 

And yea.

 

Michaels wierd.

 


	2. When it doesnt feel right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just dont hate me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldnt help but to keep writing. Im really excited for this story. Hope you like it!!  
> **Warning trigger ahead.***

The next day the two go out christmas shopping.

 

Apperently they were to old to get Liz's help with it (which Luke begs to differ) and were told by Liz to do it them selfs.

 

And its going complete shit.

 

They both have no idea what to get Liz or even their neighbor Mr. Smith. The nice old man who always lets them borrow his can-opener.

So they end up going to the shops they want to go to. And.

 

It escalates quickly. 

 

Michael pulls out cigerette and tells the blonde to go on in the store without him. Luke leaves.

 

He never liked that smell anyway.

 

Hot Topic is the store for every band fan dreams. Except Luke hates it because its so much damn money so he doesnt even know why he came in. Hes only got a credit card with about 100 on it. And Hot topic isnt a 100 dollar store. Well, maybe it is but not for Luke.

 

So he looks around just checking out the shirts and braclets and dreaming about that one day he could come in here and spend as much as he likes.

 

His thoughts get interrupted but a 15 year old girl.

 

"Excuse me."

 

He turns around.

 

She looks fucking ridiculous. With black hair and black lips and skin so pale. Even the makeup looks like its about to slide off. but Luke keeps that thought to his own self. He aint breaking no hearts today.

"Yes"

 

"OH GREAT TAYLOR HE'S GOT AN ACCENT! NICE GOING"

Luke looks over but "Taylor" is hiding behind a rack.

 

Kids.

_You are a kid._

"I just wanted to say my friend thinks youre cute." She says her eyes showing such a bored expression it almost offends Luke. Did she not think the same or...?

 

"Oh, uhm thanks...?" Hes not sure how to reply to that, yea. Hes blushing a little.

 

"And also, youre really tall"

 

_Ive noticed_

 

"Could you give me a hand with the black dress up there?" "I need it in a small"

 

So yea why not. Except.

 

When the young girl points the dress her braclests fall and he gets a full display of soft pink lines and even a few red.

And Luke is lost at words.

Theyre cuts.

 

He stares dumbly at them and the girl notices. Yanking her hand away.

 

"Take a picture asshole itll last longer."

 

"Sorry"

 

"Whatever ill just get some real help"

 

She goes to walk away but Luke stops her.

 

"Uhmmm"

 

"Why do you do that?"

 

There he goes again.

 

"What?" "Why do I cut?"

 

And Luke flinches at the harsh words.

 

"Because, somtimes things dont feel right."

 

She walks away not waiting for a response and Luke stands there thinking over the line.

 

"Because, sometimes things dont feel right"

 

He doesnt wait for Michael to come in.

He walks out.

 

"What happened?" Michael asks he's outside and the cold has gotten to his cheeks. Like little pale pink circles. Its actually kinda cute.

 

"Nothing, there was just nothing in the store I liked."

 

"Oh"

 

"Yea"

 

Luke is uneasy the rest of the day.

 

Does cutting really help. 

He wonders and obviosuly the girl seemed fine and dandy so maybe it does.

 

Maybe its what he needs.

 

Because sometimes. Luke is numb.

 

He doesnt know why he is numb but he gets that way and everything hurts.

Does it help?

 

_NO_

 

_STOP._

 

Of course it doesnt. Youre hurting youre own self because you got hurt by someone or something else?

 

That makes no sense. 

So Luke pushes that thought out of his mind and tries to forget it but it just doesnt go away easliy.

He wont cut.

 

He wont.

 

************************_______________________________********************************

Luke cuts, eaxctly 4 days later. 

And to be honest. He doesnt remember why.

 

All he remembers is pain.

 

So much  _pain._

What happened. GOD WHAT HAPPENED.

 

Oh yea.

 

He was all alone.

 

Liz went out food shopping and Michael...who knows where he gone to but Luke.

 

Luke was left alone.

 

He should never be left alone.

 

He doesnt remember what got him started. Maybe thinking about death again.

 

Maybe thinking about the past-

 

_NO_

He just obviously had to much time on his hands.

 

Yea thats it.

 

So Luke walked into the bathroom and picked up his shaving blade. 

 

He rinses it off with these loud sounds going off in his head.

 

_Stop you crazy ass._

 

_do it_

_DONT_

 

_ITS JUST A LITTLE CUT. WONT DO ANYTHING BUT TELL YOU WHAT IT FEELS LIKE._

 

So Luke does cut. On his white and pale wrist.

 

 

Its so....

_pretty._

 

Hes amazed by the color, by the picture.

 

 

But mostly.

 

By the  _feeling._

It does change things and Luke feels alive he feels better than he did in years.

 

He isnt..so  _numb._

 

Luke likes it.

 

As sick as it sounds its his new escape.

 

And no. This wont be the last time. It wont.

 

Becuase Luke felt alive.

 

And he liked it liked that.

*******************************_____________________*****************************

 

Somthing happens. On December 20th.

 

Something that the world will never know of.

 

It starts out normal but in a way unormal as well.

 

Liz was just...off. And so was Luke. 

 

Michael felt it and kept away from both of them.

 

And then, time slows and the world breaks.

 

"Im going out tonight." Is what she says and Michael hums as a response but Luke says nothing.

 

He doesnt say much now.

 

"Luke"

 

He doesnt answer. Only stares out the window.

 

Thinking how the people would die.

 

But yea. Luke is... _fine._

 

"Luke do you hear me?"

 

"Hes just a little off just needs sometime- the hell with time!"

 

Her eyes gone cold and suddenly Michael is lost in schock and confusion.

 

"4 days is  enough time."

 

"Luke!"

 

Nothing

 

"Luke!"

 

Nothing.

 

"LUKE!" Its high pitched and loud and slowly the blonde headed boy turns around.

 

His eyes arent his eyes.

 

"What is wrong with you?"

 

His jaw sets.

 

Michael's heart beats and he stands to sepreate the two who now in some way have met in the middle of the living room.

 

"You guys"

 

"Nothing is wrong with me , whats wrong with you" He spits and its only amount of seconds before Michael hears it.

 

_Slap._

 

_Jesus._

 

It goes down hill after that.

 

"How dare you!"

"How dare you speak to me like Im nothing. IM YOUR MOTHER WHERE THE HELL HAS YOUR RESPECT WENT?"

 

"OUT THE DOOR LIKE YOU EVERYNIGHT!"

 

And now Michael steps in.

 

Liz gasp and goes for another swing but Michael has Luke already in his room.

He can hear only the screams of his best friends mother.

 

"The hell is going on with you?"

 

Lukes eyes stay to the wall and hes really starting to scare Michael. Becuase Michael knows fucked up.

 

And right now Luke looks beyond it.

 

Theres already a bruise forming where Liz hit him and Michael is scared.

 

"Why didnt you just answer her?" His voice is cracking and shit.

 

Why is he crying?

 

"Because it didnt feel right."

Luke stares motionless after that and Michael scared shitless leaves.

 

"I think he needs help."

 

"NO HE NEEDS TO FIGURE HIS SELF OUT"

 

She looks around spoting his phone.

 

"AND HE CAN DO THAT WITHOUT THIS"

 

And shes gone. Out the door. Steaming red and wide tears.

 

"MICHAEL"

 

And then hes gone too.

 

Luke is alone.

 

 

And you know what that means.

 

It doesnt feel right so Luke goes to the bathroom to make it feel right.

 

He gets his blade. The apartment air feels stuffy and he suddenly cant breathe.

 

And he drags that silve line across his write a feeling of pain and security courses throw his body. Red starts to paint the white side of his wrist theres nothing to be heard but the sinks drips and Lukes hard breath.

_"Because, somtimes things dont feel right."_

__"Because, somtimes things dont feel right."_ _

 

_"Because, somtimes things dont feel right."_

__"Because, somtimes things dont feel right."_ _

 

And then it wont shut up. The voices in his head gets loud.

 

" _Whats it like to die?"_

 

_In solace or in disgrace. In beauty or in horror._

_"NO HE NEEDS TO FIGURE HIS SELF OUT"_

_He goes deeper._

 

__In solace or in disgrace. In beauty or in horror._ _

 

_Deeprer Luke, deeper._

 

__"NO HE NEEDS TO FIGURE HIS SELF OUT"_ _

 

 

Its starting to hurt.

 

" _Whats it like to die?"_

 

_His heart hurts._

 

_"Were home baby"_

 

___NO HE NEEDS TO FIGURE HIS SELF OUT"_ _ _

 

Luke cant feel anything.

 

Hes numb again but this time.

 

He numb on the outside as well.

 

The lights began to curve and everything feels like its underwater.

 

_"Were home baby"_

 

_Because sometimes. Life doent feel right._

 

Luke doesnt open his eyes, when he closes them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE dont hate me. I had to do it.
> 
>  
> 
> tubmlr is angelica-schuyller.tumblr.com
> 
> I love you and stay rad


	3. Make it a sweet goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They cant see me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys.
> 
>  
> 
> This is where the story really starts.
> 
> Sorry it took a couple of chapters to get real but hey I hope you enjoyed them.  
> Anyways sorry if it gets confusing it shouldnt be and thanks for reading.
> 
> Hope you like it.
> 
> Ashxx

Its like waking up on the morning after the fight.

 

The morning after the brutal storm.

 

And in a way.

 

It was.

 

Its white and soft and the air smells like December and wishes. And its beautiful.

 

Every ray of sunlight and every string of wind brushes against Luke's skin like forgotten souls trying to be heard. And he can hear them. And he wants to help them but somethings pulling him down and suddenly the white fades and the sounds of sunlight turns loud and he cant breathe. He cant fucking breathe hes in pain and the souls are leaving. Hes running but hes going nowhere.

 

_Scream, Luke._

 

_Luke scream._

 

And he does. Its loud and piercing and his throat feels raw from it. His eyes open and he expects this to be some dream gone nightmare. He excpects to wake up on the couch or in his bedroom. He expects Mikey to shake him awake or something. Anything, He wants to be home but hes not.

 

When Luke opens his eyes, hes in a hospital.

 

_oh._

 

The past comes thriving and exploding through his skull and it hurts like hell. He falls to his knees groaning in pain small tears forming in his eyes.

 

_Stop_

_Stop_

_Stop._

 

_And...it does._

 

When Luke can take the pain he stands up and tries to regain his full mind and brain.

 

Then.

 

The boy is pulled back into reality.

 

"What is it?"

 

"WE'VE GOT AN AUSTRALIAN CAUCASIAN YOUNG MALE, BLEEDING EXCESSIVELY FORM LEFT WRIST APPARENT  ATTEMPT SUICIDE..."

 

_Suicide._

 

_No._

 

_It wasnt suicide he just wanted to feel better._

 

__Because sometimes. Life doent feel right._ _

 

It wasnt sucide.

 

Luke didnt try to kill himself.

 

No.

 

"IS HE BREATHING?"

 

"BARLEY, HEARTBEAT IS LIGHT AND HIS SKIN LOOKS EXTREMLY PALE."

 

But Luke isnt listening anymore.

 

It wasnt sucide.

 

Was it?

 

 

What is going on. 

 

 

"GOD HE LOOKS SO PALE" Says the woman.

 

He cant look that bad.

 

"Im right here."

 

But no one turns. And instead they run down a hall that has a white cloud around it. Luke runs towards them.

 

 

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING IM RIGHT HERE. iTS NOT SUCIDE AND IM FINE!"

 

But they dont turn around.

 

He follows the sound of the screeching wheels confused and light headed.

 

_Its like he wasnt there._

 

_But he was._

 

 _"_ I NEED GLOVES RIGHT NOW!" 

 

"SOME ONE TELL ME HIS TEMPERATURE, CANT GET TO LOW."

 

_Im right here._

 

_Dont you see me?_

 

But Luke sees.

 

He sees himself.

 

 

And it breaks his heart.

 

His body lays like a souless ocean and his skin is the color of the New Yorks snow. Eyes closed and lips chapped.

 

He looks peaceful.

 

 

He looks dead.

 

 

And Luke.

 

Luke screams.

 

 

Its loud again but not pierceing. Its weak and saddening. Its so broken and heavy that his heart hurts.

 

The heart thats only beating 1...2....3.......4............5 times a minute.

 

_Is that even possible?_

 

And he falls to his knee suddenly having no energy to stand. 

 

And coughs, dry heaving and choking on the stale hospital air.

 

"IM RIGHT HERE!!" He screams.

 

"Is he gonna make it?"

 

"LOOK AT ME"

 

"I dont know"

 

"PLEASE"

 

 

Luke can see his own body. He can see his long thin legs and his blode hair. His immobile face and how his hands stay where they are. Not tapping like he usally does.

 

But most of is his wrist.

 

Luke can see his wrist.

 

It looks horrible. 

 

"HE IS LOSING TO MUCH BLOOD. GET JONES QUICKLY!"

 

Its loud red lines painting his once clean wrist. Now its gushing blood. Now its not stoping.

 

"DID HE HIT AN ARTERY?" Comes from the man named Jones.

 

"We dont know yet."

 

So many sounds ring around Luke so many pieces of life.

 

But he just simply cant bring himself back.

 

_"They cant see me."_

 

"HE HASNT HIT THE ARTERY!" Loud cheers and "thank gods" erupt through the room but all dimmer down because of the next sentence. "BUT HES LOST ALOT OF BLOOD."

 

Luke doesnt care.

 

_"They cant see me."_

 

And he realizes that hes in his torn blink 182 shirt, in his ripped jeans and black vans.

 

He is invible. Hes a soul.

 

The dialouge around him doesnt matter anymore. But he cant stop listening.

 

"IM GONNA NEED SPACE CLEAR OUT!" They all leave.

 

"Terry, watch over him please. I have to go speak to his mother."

 

_mom_

 

Terry stars at Lukes body in such an awe and saddening look, Luke almost wants to punch her. He wants to grab her and scream at her and say no.

 

It wasnt sucide.

 

 

"Look here kid." She bends down to the bed. "Youre the only one who has the last word."

 

And Luke cant breathe. He starts crying again because no!

 

NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

IT WASNT SUCIDE.

 

She brushes his hair back and sits in the chair. Watching Lukes body, but not know hes standing behind her.

 

"It wasnt suicide" His voice is hoarse and weak. It hurts to speak but he cant help but to keep talking. "I didnt mean it."

 

_Mom._

 

He backs out of the machined room. The last thing he hears is the heart monitar beating like a slow drum. Last thing he sees is Terry holding his cold hand in hers saying a prayer.

 

Then he runs.

 

_MOMMY_

_MOMMY_

_MOMMY_

_MOMMY_

_MOMMY_

_MOMMY_

_MO-_

Its horrifying and dry its sharp and deflating.

 

His mother is screaming.

 

Just like him.

 

"NO PLEASE YOU HAVE TO SAVE HIM BRING MY BABY HOME PLEASE PLEASE" Her voice breaks down a level at the last word as she and Michael, who is clutching her but showing no emotion slide to floor. 

"DONT LET HIM LEAVE ME PLEASE" She cries into Michael's throat. And Michael just stares at the wall. Hes so quiet.

Its heartbreaking.

 

_MOM IM RIGHT HERE._

 

"PLEASE JUST BRING HIM BACK"

 

 

_OPEN YOUR EYES! PLEASE_

 

Liz dry heavs and countines a brutal cry into her sons best friends shoulder. And its so sad that he can see every heartbeat and every cry racking her rib cage.

 

_Im right here._

 

 

_they cant see me._

 

_they think Im dead._

 

_am i dead?_

 

Luke slides to the floor as well. He crawls over to his little imperfect family and when he goes to touch them, to prove hes here, to say hes so sorry..

 

his hand falls through and only hits the floor.

 

But he still cant feel it.

 

He can only feel heartbreak. He can only feel his mothers heavy breathing and broken pleas to bring her son back into her arms. He can only feel Terry, simply repeating the prayer " _another life shall not be lost to the empty room of a condemed youth_ " and yea. He doesnt understand but his head hurts. He can only feel Michael.

 

Little Mikey.

 

As the boy stares forward.

 

Looking right at Luke.

 

His lips looked chapped and his hands are covered with blood.

 

_Dear God._

 

Michael who isnt crying or screaming. Michael who never showed emotion still remains a rock even to this day when being told that his only friend, his only brother might not open his eyes again. Michael whose suffered so much death who cant take another. Michael who only whispers "its not fair". His green eyes stare directly into Lukes watery blue orbs.

 

Michael Gordon Clifford.

 

Is losing another piece of his heart. And in that moment. Luke had no choice but to watch his mother, to watch his best friend, give up on him.

 

_They cant see me._

 

_************************************************_

 

Its exactly 3 hours, is when they can see Luke.

 

Well when they can see Luke's body.

 

And Michael.

 

Michael cant fucking breathe.

 

Everything aches and his skin doesnt feel like his own skin. he wants to wash the blood off his hands but he refuses to move away from Liz.

 

Hes afraid she might leave to.

 

The way Lukes head was pressed against the side of the porcelain bathtub. The way his limb fell  delicately across the floor. The way his blue eyes that once were so full of life seemed to be weathering away and dead on spot.

 

Michael thought Luke was fucking dead.

 

But he wasnt. 

 

And now...who knows?

He couldnt forget the sight. Its tattooed  into his eyelids and everytime he closes his eyes.

 

He sees it.

 

Lukes tangled delicate limbs, and Liz's horror filled face when she ran into the bathroom.

 

"CALL 911, CALL THEM!!" Michael had never screamed so loud. Never so ergent. He had Lukes head on his lap while his hands were despertaly searching for a pulse,but he couldnt find one.

 

They were to late.

 

But they wernt.

 

"WE GOT A PULSE!" 

 

That was it.

 

That was all Michael heard before time left him in the dark shadows of an unknown sadness.

 

And now here he is.

 

Liz clutched at his side, staring at the boy who saved  _his_ life wondering how was he going to repay the debt.

 

 

He couldnt repay shit if Luke dies.

 

So Luke has to wake up...he has to. Because he still has unfinished busniess down here. And its about God Damn time he lets Michael repy his debt.

 

The little fucker better wake up.

 

Liz countinues to breathe like an open wave, shes stopped crying but the breathing is no difference at all. She is shaking and Michael realizes shes gonna hurt herself if she keeps doing it.

 

Michael did it when his mother died.

 

 

He knows.

 

So he swallows down the lump thats been in his throat for 4 hours and turns to the woman on his right. He can do this. He can be someone for a change. Or at least he can try.

 

"Liz," His voice is rough and hoarse and its sad and weak and he can see tears welling up in her eyes as she shakes her head.

 

 

"Im so sorry Michael," She breathes rivers spilling down her cheeks. 

 

"You shouldnt have to go through this again, its ALL MY FAULT."

 

"No it isnt look at me" His voice is firm but still light.

 

She does look at him.

 

"You can do this. Luke is going to come home ok? And hes going to be alright. than you guys could laugh again and talk about how horrible his music taste is. Hes gonna wake up ok?" Michael has to close his eye. He cant cry. Not right now. "Hes gonna wake up because he knows that you love him and hes not gonna leave you without saying goodbye, youre not gonna bury him ok.?"

 

Liz shakes her head. Michael lets go of her and she excuses herself.

 

Michael looks at Luke.

 

The moniters and bland working machines sing a decaying song. Chatters from the halls and cars and horns from the outside world blar in Micheals ears.

 

He wonders if Luke can hear them.

 

"Maybe you should, wake up now mate." Is all he can spit out. But Luke doesnt move an inch. His face looks like glass and his body looks like cement.

 

"I need you to tell me everything is going to be alright because I dont know how long I could keep telling things to mum- I... help me out here." 

 

Nothing.

 

 

" Luke."

 

Nothing.

 

And Michael lays his head, on his only family's arm. And its so cold. So damn cold.

 

"If youre just disappering for a day JUST TELL ME."

 

Silence.

 

Michael gives up.

 

His eyes close to the sound of a slow moniter and he smells nothing but the smell of Luke Hemmings.

 

_Is there even a Luke Hemmings anymore?_

 

**************************************

Luke feels like a rag doll and he cant move.

Hes stuck in pause playing over Michaels  chilling words. 

 

 

_If youre disappering for a day just tell me._

 

__If youre disappering for a day just tell me._ _

 

 

 

Disappering?

 

Luke forgot about that. He is so torn and crumbled he just wants to leave the world.

 

Or does he?

 

He doesnt know. But right now. He just wants to not be seen.

_As ironic as it sounds._

 

So Luke does that.

 

He disappers.

 

With white tracks painting his face.

 

With his mothers eyes still fresh in his mind and his best friends cracking voice echoing through his skull.

 

He runs.

 

__If youre disappering for a day just tell me._ _

 

Hes not sure where hes running to but hes outside and he taste fresh air and he can breathe.

 

_No he cant but you understand the point._

 

He doesnt stop running until hes as far away from the hospital as he can get. Making sharp turns and rights and lefts anywhere he pleads. Hell always find his way back. 

Back to where ever his body is.

 

Hes running into people left and right buts its not like any of them can feel it. They dont even know he exsits.

 

Or he did for that matter.

 

 

__If youre disappering for a day just tell me._ _

 

He doesnt stop until he gets to a empty street.

 

Well as empty as a street can get in New York.

 

The first thing he focuses on is a small house like buildng. The top reads "Quiet Anna's" In curly letters. Its a coffee shop Luke guesses. Its all brown. Faded and condemed with broken pieces of wood. The sign says "OPEN" but no ones coming in. In all honesty it looks sad. But its ok.

 

Because Luke is sad.

 

He goes up to the door and pushes it open. The bell rings and a red head snaps up with wide green eyes. They dimmer down when she sees nothing.

 

_They cant see me._

 

He walks forward. 

 

"Damn winds, giving me hopes" She mutters, flipping her book to the next page. Lukes not close enough to see whats she reading. 

 

The inside looks even more sadder than the outside. With its old furniture and broken tables, the radio is playing some horrible country song that Luke hasnt heard nor wants hear. He walks up to the red head whose name tags says "ANNA" which means she must be the owner.

 

_Pretty girl. Couldve been a model or something._

 

Luke stares at her not sure what else to do, as she hums some song he reconizes.

 

 

Lullibies.

 

__If youre disappering for a day just tell me._ _

 

He sings along to it, deciding to put on a show because no one will know. 

 

Luke has fucking lost his mind.

 

__If youre disappering for a day just tell me._ _

 

He jumps up and down and throws himself on tables while Anna stares in shock and horror at all of her furniture moving by itself. Shes ready to scream and run but shes stuck in complete terror.

 

Luke keeps singing and when the bell rings this time a real person entering he turns to see who it is.

 

And the heart that he didnt know was beating dropped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EHH.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed I really like this one.
> 
> My tumblr is angelica-schuyller.tumblr.com
> 
> I love you and stay rad.


	4. damn whats his name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Doe, I don't even know you but I know for sure that you are beautiful so baby let me know your name.  
> Damn what's his name?  
> 'Cause I'm overly attracted and terribly convinced that he could be my prince and I could be his prince.  
> And, I've felt that way since, since I saw John Doe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh if any of you know where the title comes from youre awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Hope you enjoy byeee
> 
>  
> 
> ashxx

How do you know, when youre in love?

 

Is it a random moment when the two of you are sitting on a park bench when youre get the thought. Like.

 

holy shit.

 

_Im in love._

 

Or is big and grand. Like the two of you dancing under a chandelier with gold linen air surronding you, and the clouds open up with singing thoughts roaming through the rooms and halls.

 

Darling,

 

_Im in love._

 

Or is it niether. Is it even a thought? Or is it a feeling. Of complete wonder and delight. Just a second, a pinch of time when the only thing you can think, or feel, or taste, or hear, is that other person. Where you dont want to move a single limb because youre afraid its a dream. Youre afraid youll scare them away. Is it when suddenly you dont need a thought or or golden air but just wonder just time?

 

Wow.

 

_Im in love_

 

There are many ways to finding out youre in love but there is just one way, when you realized you found youre only thing. Youre only one. Youre only heart. And you cant stop not a single movement weather youre leaning in to kiss or leaning in to hug. You just have to do something. Because.

 

Its you. Ive been looking for you.

 

_Im in love._

 

 

Well Luke isnt one of those people who believes love is a moment. Luke thinks you have to learn to fall inlove. 

 

But Luke.

 

Luke just fell in love.

 

The person that opens that ringing door, has brown hair. And olive skin. Luke cant see much because he so wrapped up and scarfs and coats he looks like a snow man.

 

_Is it that cold?_

 

Luke didnt notice.

 

The stranger walks forward, and Anna still standing with wide eyes turns to him still in shock.

 

"The hells wrong with you?" He asks

 

His accent.

 

_Just like home. Is all Luke can think of._

 

"T-t-t-there w-was t-this... this -c-comotion and, and loud but, b-but it s-s-topped...it-it stopped w-when you cam-me came..in" She shivers and Luke doesnt know if its from the cold or his performance of the All Time Low song.

 

"Youre crazy, now help me out of this stuff!" The boy wiggles around but to no avail he just ends up tripping and nearly falling. Luke laughs.

 

Luke smiles.

 

"Well why in the world do you have all this stuff on anyway?, Its not even that cold outside you just look plain ridiculous." She laughs as she starts unraveling each scarf. Luke stands front and center.

 

He wants to see the strangers face.

 

"I thought it was colder outside...dont judge me I cant help it.".."ahhho" He groans and Luke starts laughing again because the groan is so long and annoyed. 

Luke doesnt know why he keeps laughing.

 

He's still a bodyless soul.

 

"Well my bad, ya so damn skinny I didnt know that was your arm." Anna smiles, we all know she did.

 

Luke stares at the two as they bicker back and foruth about what is going left and what is going right and how thats not his arm and how that is his arm and honestly. Luke feels like hes looking at a sitcom with the stupid dialouge and jokes this Anna girl is pulling out.

 

And finally when the boy has gotten rid of his 40000 coats hes in a simple sweat shirt and jeans. Thats when he removes the last scarf on his face. And its decided.

 

He gorgeous.

 

His eyebrows are very bushy and they fit his face perfectly, his nose is cute and button shaped and yea Luke always had a thing for button shaped noses. His lips are pink and full and Luke tries not to spend a long time thinking about them because.....you know why. His eyes are a dark honey and to anyone else may seem like normal eyes but to Luke he sees nice things in them like rainbows and snow and stupid love songs and other things but hes far to embarrassed to say anymore. Because did you just hear the things he said before? Over all Luke seems a little wonderstrucked by him and cant help but to move closer.

 

Its not like he can be seen after all.

 

The boy is quite tall. Not as tall as Luke but hes tall. Hes also very skinny. Luke can see his sneakers and theyre nothing cool but just ripped up vans. 

 

_I like your thinking Luke says._

 

"Much better, wouldnt you say so Anna?" The boy does a full body turn trying to look seductive Luke is guessing but just ends up looking like a complete dork.

 

And Luke likes the faces he makes.

 

"Uhmm yep, very sexy. To bad youre into cock we wouldve been married by now" She bordly says and Luke flinches at the word but the boy just laughs. His laugh is a mixture of every beautiful thing Luke has ever heard. It makes you smile and want to laugh with him even if he would be laughing at you. 

 

"Yea well sorry, Im just a heartbreaker I guess." He goes around the counter for a moment than comes to apper again this time with an apron on and finally...a name tag.

 

_Whats his name? Is all Luke can think of._

 

He walks up and goes to read it.

 

Miram.

 

_Well that cant be right._

 

_Can it?_

 

_God damn._

 

"What in the world are you doing with Mirams apron on?"

 

_Thank goodness._

 

 _"_ Left mine at home, she wouldnt mind." The boy shruggs and he brings out his own book to read.

 

_Before I fall._

 

Thats the book title. 

 

"Well I think she would mind and I think every teenage girl in the world would mind you reading their books." She giggles and walks away puting up cups and chairs.

 

"Hey!, this book isnt not just for teenage girls.I know guys who read this-name one." Anna interrupets.

 

"John."

 

"Whose John?"

 

"Whose you?" 

 

 

Anna rolls her eyes but smiles anyway, because obviously she agrees this boy is the most cutest thing in the world and his smile could probably end world hunger and bring world peace. Well Luke thinks his smile can but then again Luke is thinking alot of things about this boy and he doesnt even know his name. Which is killing him by the way.

 

_Whats your name._

 

Nothing.

 

_Hello._

 

Nothing again.

 

And oh yea. Luke is invisible.

 

_They cant see me._

 

And his heart starts to ache again and he cant really focuse on anything. He has to sit down but where.

 

Can he sit? Or will he just fall through the floor?

 

Oh yea...hes standing on the floor.

 

_Face palm._

 

"This book is really good _for your information."_ Calls the boy he seems offended that Anna dissed it by calling it a book for teenage girls. "Has alot of life quotes and good thoughts and stuff." "I like it." He still doesnt look up.His eyes roam the page hes on, his brown orbs of light going back and fourth, back and foruth. back and foruth. and Luke cant help but to get lost in them. Staring at this ray of sunlight mouth open and eyes wide.

 

"Good to know." "But in case you havent notice I live by my own life rules." Anna says from the back room.

 

"Yea because living by your own life quotes has gotten you so many things, like this old rusty run down shop." Now it the boys turn to roll his eyes.

 

"If I didnt get this coffee shop you and I wouldnt have known eachother. So HA!" She cheers freckled skinny pale arms up and her fully nice stright white teeth showing. 

"Good to know." Is all the boy responds with.

 

Anna deflates. She walks over and puts her arm around him. Luke feels insanly jealous  because no, dont touch him, hes offically his, even if he doesnt know he exsit and Luke doesnt know his name and two if Luke cant touch him it means NO ONE can touch him. Yes.

 

Luke has lost his shit.

 

"Hey, dont get sad on me now."

 

"Im not."

 

"Promise?"

 

"Dont know if I could."

 

"Try."

 

"I promise."

 

"Good."

 

"Gonna miss you."

 

Anna closes her eyes and sets her head on his shoulder.

 

"Its just for a moment."

 

"Then youll be back."

 

"Yep."

 

_Hes moving._

 

_nononononononononononononono._

 

_Why the hell do I care?_

 

But Luke doesnt bother answering the question because the two bounce back fully from the 20 second sadening conversation and are now talking about their plans.

 

"Got a date tonight."

 

"OOOOOOOOO with whoooooo" Comes the boy, doing a horrible imitation of a girl.

 

But its ok because Luke finds it funny.

 

Hes laughing alot now.

 

"Jamie from across the street, we're going to the movies." Anna says excitdly. She's slipping on her coat.

 

"AHH ohhh ooooo" The boy makes funny eyes and eyebrow movements with each sound.

 

Anna throws her head back and laughs because really? This kid is beautifully crazy and Luke finds himself being facinated.

 

He helps him forget.

 

I know, its impossible to forget something like attempt sucide and now being stuck in the middle of wanting to stay and wanting leave.

 

But Lukes not stuck. He knows.

 

Hes going to wake up. He is.

 

Because he hurt the only people that mattered in his life and hes not going to hurt them anymore.

 

And most of all.

 

He is looking at someone that gives him a reason to live.

 

He doesnt know why, completely lost on the subject but Luke feels like he was made to keep this boy in his arms. He is his "only thing" His heart kinda jumped and said "you. its you" and Luke has never felt this away about any guy or girl hes ever dated so he knows. He knows something is different with this one and hes determined to find out.

 

If only he could get his fucking name.

 

"Well Im off going to go get ready. Any suggestions?" Anna asks.

And the boy looks up scrunching his eyes as he stares at her.

 

 

"Over sized sweater and those cute black boots definitely" He shakes his head almost as if he is wearing it and there he goes again, those eyebrows going up and about on his...face.

 

Luke really likes his face. especiallythe mole on the right side of his perfect face. His very perfect face.

 

_I want to touch his face._

 

Well you cant Luke. 

 

Atleast not yet.

 

But Luke cant wait. Cant wait till hes looking at the boy and the boy is looking back. Not staring straight through him which he seems to be doing now.

 

Creepy.

 

_Cute._

 

_What in the living hell his name?_

Thats all Luke wants to know and it seems every god in the universe is purposely doing this to him.

 

"Wish I could get a date." He makes a puppy face and god.

 

_What is his name._

 

"Dont worry youll find someone, someone who is going to love you, and all your nothings and everythings." She smiles and give him a kiss on the cheek.

 

_Yea its me._

 

"I hope so." And  _oh_ he looks sad.

 

_Whats your name. Plsease._

 

"Bye Anna."

 

"Bye Calum." And then Anna's gone.

 

And Calum sits on that old stool watching New York in a tired slumber filled with white snow and soft lights.

 

_Calum,_

 

Luke thinks.

 

_Well, alright._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those who dont know the song is "Jane doe" bye Never shout never. Its the cutest song ever!!! Anyway hoped you enjoyed I was up all night writing this because I had the attention spam of a squirrel tonight.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway byee 
> 
> I love you and stay rad.


	5. Bare feet and toothless grins.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I didnt know this could really happen"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii.
> 
> I would just like to say to the people who cursed me out on tumblr for not updating...THATS NOT NICE. And im sorry because i have just been stuck lately on what to write about. But no worries because im back. 
> 
> This CHAPTER HAD ME CRYING BECAUSE IM SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY.
> 
> And.... for being less violent than last time with my other story update (yea, i dont forget assholes) here is the soundtrack to the story. http://8tracks.com/one-love_two-mouths/if-i-stay anyway. thanks for reading sorry for any mistakes and i hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Ashxx

In most times in life, we are given many chances to fix what we broke. Like a friendship or a relationship and so on and so on.

 

No one wants broken things laying around. They dont want broken friendships or ruined relationships hanging above their head and swinging like a wild vine. Who wants problems in their life? No one. Lets be honest. People say bullshit all the time about how theyre happy when issues occur. How they wouldnt be the person they are today without their past. But honestly the person they are today seems like a hurricane of emotion and thought procceses that strike unconditionall fear into their skulls. Issues that end them in such pain and red blood they dont even want to remember it. It was the darkest time in your life, but youre proud and wouldnt change a thing?

 

You wouldnt go back and stop it? And obvisouly you fixed it so why be happy with it? Because life is better when things are supposed to be where they are. The bitchy boring cookie-cutter life you spent so much time molding. The white house and green grass, the loving husband and adoring son. The life that so many run down people yern for and its wavering and steaming right in your hands. And yea so what at one point it didnt exist and yea at one point your husband left you crying and left your son bleeding on the ground with loud sounds and shattered pictures. But you have what you want now, and thats all because you  _fixed_ it. You can always fix it. You will always fix it.

 

But Liz feels like this piece of past cannot be fixed.

 

She feels that no matter how much taping she does, no matter how much Zoloft she stuffs down Lukes throat, no matter how many bottles of wine, and no matter how many  house shopping she does things will never be the same.

 

And she is scared as hell.

 

When stories like this happens, when little girls and boys are found bleeding and dieing in their bathrooms we dont necessarily pay much attention to the parents. We do but we dont  _really._  We only see the outside. The white tracks down their faces and their shaking fingers as they go to touch the only thing in their lifes that was supposed to turn out  _fine._ It looks as if theyre completly disintegrated but what about the inside.

Well its just as worse.

 

Liz felt more than pain when she saw her only child in that bathroom. She still feels more than pain but no words could describe what this feeling stiring and moving through her bones is. The only thing that comes to mind is  _pain_. Maybe there is another word to describe it but Liz doesnt have the time to sit and read the whole fucking webster dictionary to find it. So she uses a word shes memorized so much in her lifetime.

 

Pain.

 

So much pain that it cant be fixed. So much sounds that she cant even think. So much blood that,

 

she doesnt know if Luke can get through it.

I mean yes, of course she knows Luke is strong. But who can really be  _that_ strong.  

 

Its all her fault.

 

It really is. 

 

All of Lukes life she pushed him over the edge, tore him apart, ripped his skin layer by layer, like really.

 

Did she really think he was that indestructible?

 

Everyone can be strong...until they simply cant anymore.

 

Until they break. Until they lose whatever battle had been erupting in their brains. They can be strong until they realize what and who are they being strong for? If there is no one worth being strong for then whats the point? Why not give up? Why not let it go and not be strong. Because if anything in the world Liz knows.

 

Being strong, is quite hard.

 

And when she left her baby in that apertment taking Michael who thought he should stay, she let Luke know.

 

There was nothing to be strong for.

 

So he gave up and he...

 

She closes her eyes.

 

Its been 3 days, now. And Luke hasnt moved. His heart moniter beats and sings a disgusting song. The halls reek with bleached souls going about their day, not noticing, not caring that Elizabeth Hemmings might not be able to clean up the mess she has made. 

 

What is she going to do?

 

What _can_ she do?

 

But simply watch, and hope that her little boy can wake up and let her hug him. But at the same time would it really matter?

 

She cant fix this. 

 

She cant tell him whats gonna happen or tell him its no ones fault. 

 

She cant even tell him that-

 

"Excuse me, Mrs. Hemmings?"

 

She turns around.

 

The lady wears a red lipstick that looks dried and has makeup caked on her face, unattractive is just a start.

 

"Hi" She smiles. "Im Lisa and Im from Robert Wood Johnsons children hospital." "Im here to discuss whats going to happen if...Luke? Wakes up"

 

Liz flinches at if.

 

"He is in a hospital-but its to late.

 

She gets it.

 

And she freaks out.

 

"NO, NO NO NO YOURE NOT TAKING HIM AWAY AND DUMPING HIM IN SOME CRAZY HOUSE NO!" She doesnt feel the tears until theyre dripping off her chin.

 

"Liz please I need you to calm down we are in a quiet area-YOURE NOT TAKING HIM AWAY!" She stands up shielding her baby from this... bitch. 

 

"Listen to me Mrs. Hemmings." The lady stays impossibly calm. Has she done this before?

  
Probably.

 

That makes Liz more angry.

 

Who the fuck is this bitch and why does she think its okay to rip children away from their familes?

 

"Your son MAY have commited suicide but if he didnt and he wakes up we need to make sure he doesnt try it again. We are doing this not only for his saftey but for your health as well." Her eyes grow impossibly dark and suddenly she is towering over Liz.

 

When did she sit down?

 

Lisa grows soft and normal again and sits next to Liz.

 

"I know its hard, Ive been through it myself. But it wont change a damn thing if you keep pushing everyone thats trying to help away. Luke can do this, from what Ive read he can get through alot. Now its your turn to survive it as well."

 

Liz can do nothing but shake her head.

**************************************

 

She remembers it like it was one of the best days of her life.

 

But it was the complete oppisite. 

 

It was more than a bad day, it was the worst. It made her lose life in every way possible.

 

So much sadness and so much shock. She could literally feel it weighting down her bones.

 

She remembers dialouge and and sentences with big words that she had no idea what they were,

 

she didnt know she would need them.

 

And summer days that throbbed with beautfiul radiant color. Seemed like they were mocking her and making fun of the fact that no matter what. 

 

There will never be a beautiful day again.

 

 

Not in a long time.

 

She remembers leaving those white cloacked figures and she remembers stoping.

 

Crying.

 

Oh. She remembers that the most.

 

 

But she also remembers flashbacks.

 

Little white clouds and white pictures of a him running around without any pants on because he said "superman donts wear pants mum!"

 

Bare feet and toothless grins.

 

 

Oh what a sunshine.

 

And she cant help but to cry. To break down inside and out because...what? Why?

 

"I didnt know this could really happen"

 

Apperently it can.

 

No matter what. It can.

 

And it did.

 

To an innocent boy that had so much love that it seemed so loud when it was as quiet as mute.

 

 

Why?

 

And she loves him. So much. So  much it  _hurts_ to know hes hurting. To know hes going through this and she.

 

She cant fix it.

 

"Mrs." Comes the voice. 

 

 

Little toys.

 

 

And plastic cups.

 

 

Old converses and horrible dancing.

 

Why?

 

She remembers all the voices telling her sorry. Telling her "hes a fighter."

 

 

Hes a fighter.

 

 

 

She remembers telling him its ok.

 

Its ok to let go and its ok because she loves him and will never let him go and that theres somewhere better than what hes is right now. 

 

 

She tells him she loves him to the moon and back.

 

But she cant stop crying because no. Hes not supposed to leave yet but if he wants to its ok. Its ok.

 

Its ok.

 

its ok.

Its ok.

 

Because he is obviosuly an angel and he is not meant for this Earth.

 

 

She remembers race cars and football cards.

 

And eyes that held so much light.

 

Now slip close showing no sign of life and jesus.

 

"Just let go baby."

 

"Its ok little man I know you want to leave, its ok because we're gonna see each other again, its ok I-

 

she breaks down. Her lungs throbbing with lack of air.

 

 

Why?

 

She remembers red and blue lights.

 

 

Yellow flowers and blue shoes.

 

"I love you so much."

 

She remembers wondering if she could really get through life without him.

 

Who could.

 

Hes beautiful in everyway alive.

 

"Mrs."

 

She remembers wispering in his ear.

 

"Its ok darling."

 

His laugh.

 

His skin.

 

To the moon and back.

 

"Mummy..."

 

"It hurts."

 

 

So broken.

 

She remembers spilled cheerios and pillow forts.

 

And home made halloween costumes.

 

"Mummy."

 

"Its ok, you can leave if you want, and just let go and fly away baby."

 

"I dont want to leave mum, I wanna stay here with you. I want to go home."

 

She screams inside.

 

Why?

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"I want to stay."

 

 

"So fight this then."

 

"I cant promise."

 

"Try."

 

 

"Ok."

 

 

And he does. 

 

He tries everyday.

 

For 13 years.

 

_Bare feet and toothless grins._

 

"To the moon and back."

 

"Ok mum."

 

And he is still trying. 

 

"It hurts mum."  
  


 

"Stay home."

 

 

"It wouldnt change a thing." He smiles but it doesnt reach his eyes.

 

It never does anymore.

 

"Keep trying."

 

_Bare feet and toothless grins._

 

"I wouldnt stop for the world."

 

"I love you."

 

"Dont get gay."

 

_Bare feet and toothless grins._

 

 

"But yea, I love you too."

 

He gets out of the car and shes scared, what if she never sees him again?

 

Oh God.

 

But she still remembers.

 

_Bare feet and toothless grins._

 

He keeps trying.

 

_To the moon and back._

 

She leaves out.

 

Joy remembers the day her son was diagnosed with lung cancer,he was 4 years old and she thought he was going to die. But he didnt.

 

Hes still trying.

 

But most of all.

 

She remembers

 

_Bare feet and toothless grins._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://8tracks.com/one-love_two-mouths/if-i-stay 
> 
> You guys know the drill.
> 
> I love you and stay rad.
> 
> Ashxx


	6. Like wind, cant see it but only feel it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi.
> 
> Meet Calum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so tired and like sick. Gross.
> 
> But I still managed to update this thing. so Here ya go. Sorry its so late. Had another writers block.

Luke visits Calum everyday.

 

For 3 days.

 

He comes into the weak and run down coffee shop and looks at possibly the most gorgeous boy. Ever.

 

And of course Luke tries to make his presense known by, dropping cups or turning the t.v channel, but Calum brushes it off. "Im losing my mind" Is his only response.

 

Every single, time.

 

 

Luke finds himself, stuck in a sort of gold turmoil, throbbing dilemma. He wants to return to his body and come here-in the flesh and introduce himself to Calum. He wants to touch Calum and have the boy know that yea, he likes Blink 182, and ghost town and Sleeping with Sirens as well. He just wants to hold him and kiss that saddening look off his face. The look Luke has no choice but to see everyday, when Calums all alone, and hes sure hes well hidden from the world is when he gets that look. Almost like hes in pain.

 

 

Luke wants to tell him its _ok_.

 

That sometimes we all feel pain and we just need someone whose gonna take a little of the load of and Luke would do that for Calum. Luke would take all the load off if he could. But he cant at least not now. 

 

But thats the problem.

 

Something is holding Luke back.

 

Telling him not to go yet. Theres more to the story before he makes up his mind of leaving or staying. But Luke doesnt need it. He knows he's staying. His family needs him and now so does Calum. So why does it feel like he shouldnt make the decision yet?

 

Luke stares numbly at Calum on the fourth day. 

 

Calums lost in some book and his bushy eyebrows move like waves going up and down while reading, and its the cutest thing ever.

 

But thats when it happens. Thats when Luke is told the final missing piece to this complexing puzzle.

 

An old man walks through the door, causing the old bell to ring with a silent cry. Calum head pops up from the book and his eyes go wide before collaspsing into a comfortable stare.

 

The man must be a norm here.

 

Right?

 

"Calum?"

 

"John." Calums puts the book on the table standing up and stretching, a little bit of his belly peaking under his shirt.

 

"I didnt know you work here."

 

"I didnt know you drink coffee, come off as a tea person to me if Im being quite honest.

 

The man- John smiles his teeth white and cricket in a adorable kind of way walks forward.

 

"Chai tea please." He says sliding his money towards Calum.

 

"Right." Calum chuckles before going to make it.

 

"How are you?"

 

"About as good as someone like me could get I guess."

 

Someone like him?

 

_What does that mean._

 

Luke says out loud.

 

"Hmm guess thats pretty predictable under the curcumstances." 

 

"Youre telling me."

 

Calum hands John the cup and John thanks him.

 

"Ah well I'll be seeing you...?"

 

"Oh! wednesday actually, Ive got chemo coming up. Gonna be staying at the hospital for sometime."

 

Chemo.

 

As in chemotherapy?

 

_Dont be stupid Luke what else is chemo?!_

 

Calum has cancer.

 

"Ok, dont worry Calum. Everything will be alright. I know it will."

 

"Sometimes everything turns out alright, but usally not when you have lung cancer, John."

 

And theres that face.

 

Such a beautiful saddness radiating off the boy and filling up the shop.

 

Calum has lung cancer.

 

"Maybe, but usally people like you turn out alright as well."

 

The man smiles, tips his hat and walks out.

 

Not even another word is said, nor exchange.

 

Calum sighs and sits back on his chair.

 

Decembers snow painting the windows in a beautiful artwork. 

 

Chrismas movies play slowly on the t.v all of which start to drown out into the background, as Luke stares at Calum in a soft gaze filled with wonder and saddness.

 

 

+

 

Calum stays quiet. He doesnt sing along to any of the songs playing, he doesnt even pick up his book anymore. 

 

He just looks to the windows and watch as the bland working machinces of people move on with their lives, having so much time ahead of them when Calum doesnt know if he will.

 

Hes always been told to fight.

 

But how long can you keep fighting. When.

 

Theres nothing to fight for.

 

Sure his mom, and Anna.

 

But wouldnt he be better off dead, wouldnt always give them heart attacks when his breathing gets heavy or when he cant get out of bed.

 

Calum always tries to shake off these thoughts. His mother and Anna will always want him around. But just because they want it, doesnt mean its good for them.

 

Calum is never the one for thinking that much.

 

He doesnt like going over things that much because its simply to dangerous.

 

He knows that one day.

 

One day hes not gonna be here.

 

No ones is ever gonna be permently here so thats just how Calum explains it.

 

 

_Im gonna die._

 

_But everyone else is gonna die too._

 

And yes Calum knows thats a horrible way to think about things but he has no other choice.

 

He is simply running out of time, and crying in this alluring decaying coffee shop isnt helping at all. 

 

So why not dancing around in Decemeber in nothing but your underwear, singing Madonna songs because you secretly like it. _  
_

Why not fill buckets of whip cream and place it over the door so when Anna comes she soaked.

 

Why not go to chemotherapy with your smile bright and eyes clear.

 

Why not do something, someone on this Earth will remember you by.

 

The world goes by in war and let downs, with ruined hope, and condemed glory, and Calums only 17 but hes seen enough of it.

 

So if getting through life by thinking eventually we all are gonna die, I'll just be dieing goodlooking is helping him.

 

Leave him the fuck alone.

 

And thats all he has to say about that.

 

+

 

"All set?" His mother asks.

 

"Yea just about, gonna go get some juice. I really like juice." Calum shrugs. The hospital room smells like latex gloves and white curtains, each time he comes it always makes him nauseous at first but its ok.

 

Hell get through it.

 

"I love you." His mother says.

 

"To the moon and back." Calum replies. He always remembered her saying that to him when he was younger, so hell. Why not bring it back?

 

His mother looks a little shock but it turns into affection and saddness.

 

"I'll be home before you know it mom."

 

"Ok."

 

And then shes gone.

 

Calum takes a deep breathe and walks out of the room to the cafeteria.

 

"I want juice."

 

"Theres a line, Hood."

 

Calum turns to see a young boy, about his age staring at him with tired eyes and a pale face.

 

"Sorry mate, didnt see ya there."

 

"Nahh its cool, Im not even hungry, dont know why I came here."

 

And Calum just knows.

 

"Hard day?'

 

"Hard week."

 

"Been there."

 

The boy looks up from his ground staring and locks eyes with Calum. 

 

"You wanna go hang in my room, we could get drunk?"

 

"Calum.."

 

"Off of juice I mean!" He tells the lunch lady.

 

The boy puts on a broken smile.

 

"THERE WE GO, WE GOT A SMILE HERE!" People stop and stare but Calum doesnt really care.

 

 

Niether does the boy.

 

 

"So what do ya say?'

 

 

"Sure."

 

The two take as much apple juice as they can hold and walk back.

 

"My names Calum Hood, in case you havent notice." He says nodding to the cafeteria.

 

The boy nodds. And smiles.

 

"Yea I noticed. Im Micheal Clifford."

 

"Cool."

 

The to so engrossed with their conversation about hometowns, they dont notice the papers on the wall flying up when theyre long past them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOHHHH SHITT.


	7. And where have you been honey?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well its been a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont you just hate when your friends were never your friends?   
> Felt a little better after writing this.

The room darkens, as artifical lights dance off the pale walls. Noises die down and a certain calmness finds the hospital room. The two boys countinue their conversation. Talking about music and how Coldplay and the Fray would make an amazing song together. 

 

Calums eyes slither with an uncontrollable happieniess while Micheal stares at him as if hes known him for years.

 

Luke finds it quite beautiful if hes being honest.

 

How the two just hit it off, and how it seems all the stress they carry in their bones suddenly doesnt exsits. Atleast not in this room, not on this night, not in this city. Its as if theyre both kids again, not adults filled with sadness and worry, their brains turned off and limbs let loose. How theres never an awkward gap or uncomfortable conversation. How they both like tim tams and vegemite but both hate the color yellow and spiders. Its as if one doesnt have cancer and the other a horrible life with a dieing best friend together in a busy New York hospital. Theres no thought of tomorrow or the end. Theyre boys in a room. A simple room.

 

And Luke wishes he was there. Wishes he could wrap his arm around Calum and tell Michael one of his horribly awesome jokes. He wishes he could be there and the three of them can live like that in a forever decorated in silver seconds. Where bad stuff didnt happen, and they were just normal boys. 

 

Theyll never be normal. But Luke still wishes.

 

_Always._

 

"Why are you here?" Michael suddenly asks. His face is tintated pink from his laughter, but his eyes hold a certain wonder that makes him look like a 10 year old.

 

_So young, sometimes._

Luke thinks.

 

"I have cancer." Calum shruggs. His body moves awkwardly in the light as he tries to play it off. But Luke has been with him for nearly a week and he knows.

 

_Its ok to hurt._

 

"Oh." Michael grows quiet. He looks down playing with the apple juice carton hes been drinking on.

 

"Its fine." Calum chuckles. " Im a big boy, dont be sorry." He softly punches Michaels shoulder and that seems to get the pale boy going again.

 

"Oh ok cool." He smiles his toothy grin teeth white and imperfect. Its again he looks so young and small. It makes Lukes heart ache.

 

"Yea. How about you, got cancer as well?" Calum asks he jumps a little on the bed and it shakes some cartons spilling on the ground. Neither go to reach for them.

 

"No, my..." Michaels face changes. His skin goes cold and his eyes suddenly fade back into an emotionless pit of nothing and despair. His fingers twitch and Luke is a few feet away but he can hear his best friends heartbeat bang against his bones. Michael...turns back into Michael.

 

"I.." He cant speak.

 

"What?" Calum asks.

 

Michael stands and he goes wobbly for a second but regains his balance. 

 

"He might not make it and Im over here laughing." Michael murmurs to himself. And that breaks Lukes heart.

 

_No. Dont be mad for being happy._

 

"Who?" Calum stands as well. Its there Michael remembers where he is. 

 

"Nothing." He simply replies. And Calum understands. He drops it, right then and there.

 

"Ok." He says.

 

The two stay like that for a few seconds, both staring off, heads full of wild thoughts and scary ideas. Michael turns back.

 

"How long have you had cancer?"

 

"13 years." Calum answers. Staring at the hanging stars outside his window. 

 

"Oh."

 

"Yea. You always think its going to go away or get better but its been so long that it makes me wonder who came up with that assumption." Michael stares at Calum. Eyes filled with the same exact thing in Lukes.

 

_Sadness._

 

"You dont know that. It can get better." Chimes in Michael, its one of the first times where hes been hopeful."

 

_Who couldve known._

 

"Most things dont get better, until its to late, you lose something that can never come back." Calum hasnt moved from the window. His eyes look like theyre bleeding dreams and he is just so beautiful Luke cant control his eratic heartbeats.

 

_Until its to late._

 

 

 

"Aint that the truth." Michael sits.

 

"Lost something?"

 

"A mom."

 

 

"Oh."

 

"Its fine, Im a big boy, dont be sorry." Michael repeats Calums words and its there when the boy turns from the windows and stares at his new friend.

 

He cracks a smile.

 

So does Michael.

 

And so does Luke.

 

And yea.

 

_We will never be normal boys._

 

But suddenly in his cliche narrating, Luke spots a figure by the door way. Michael and Calum both not paying attention make their way back to a more funnier conversation. But its different this time.

 

Luke isnt listening.

 

He staring at a little girl with brown hair and brown eyes. Shes dressed in sleeping beauty pjs and her hair is left out, long and flowy. But its not her thats scaring him.

 

Its the fact that shes looking right at him.

 

And she knows she is.

 

_Can you see me?_

 

She doesnt answer.

 

_You have to see me, youre staring right at me._

 

She remains quiet.

 

_You can see me._

 

Its when she simply smiles, and runs away.

 

Luke goes after her. December nights and wild drums going off in his head. 

 

_She can see me._

 

_she can see me._

 

_she can actually see me._

 

After chasing her through the halls she stops and turns her eyes hitting his in a soft gaze. Luke stares nervously at her.

 

The little girl runs into a room and when Luke again, follows he looks around, dumbfounded at the pinkness and feathers and little dolls.

 

Its her room.

 

She sits on her bed. And gets comfty. Her white covers and pink sheets make Luke a little dizzy. Laying there she stares at him. As if shes waiting for him. Waiting for him to come over there. And well, Luke gets a little shaky.

 

_Well, what do you want._

He asks.

 

Again Lukes only answer is another gaze and smile. He walks closer but slower. Honestly afraid which sounds stupid because really? What is he afraid of? 

 

She watches him silently, her head moving with his body as he makes his way through her plastic crowns and millions of shoes. Its when he finally gets to the bed and stares down at her when she gives him millions of thoughts, just by one word.

 

"Goodnight." She wispers. Like a summer wind, soft and quick.

 

She turns off the lights and pulls the cover up. Seconds turn to mintues and Luke feels like hes been standing there for a few hours. Just numbly glued to the floor heartbeats dancing and blood going cold.

 

She said goodnight. 

 

_Goodnight. I guess._

Is his only words.

 

And if he doesnt know how the little girl sees him, thats ok. 

Because she smiled at him.

 

And its been a long time since someone did that to Luke.

 

A very long time.


	8. Iris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calum meets someone.
> 
> Lukes an angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys have a cool thanksgiving. xx

Calum runs his fingers through his hair, sighing as he sees it falling to the floor.

 

Its been falling out lately.

 

Tomorrow is chrismas but Calum doesnt feel jolly at all.

 

Its not a good day.

 

 

The water from the shower dance off the white porcelin walls, making rain fall like noises to Calum's ears. His breath matching in the calm music the bathroom makes. The water slides off his body. Hes done washing but he just cant move from this spot.

 

 

His mind goes hazy. The young boy stares off into space. Not really thinking, just in general. His head aches, like a drum banging in it and oh Calum really wants to lay down. But he cant.

 

He has to go see his doctor.

 

 

So he turns the nobbs and the water squeaks with a dieing sound. Going dry when he turns it off. He steps out grabbing a towel and drying off. He puts on a sweater, the color of sharp grey with plain black jeans. Slipping on his worn-out shoes (converse were never really worn out to him) and grabs a beanie. Hes losing hair but he covers it, just to pretend that maybe its still there.

 

But its not.

 

 

And he knows.

 

After hes finished Calum goes for the door but stopping when he sees an unfamiliar face.

 

Pale, and tired looking this person is. He has a depressing aroma and his eyes look dead and gone. His lips thin and in a thin line. His hands in fist and small frame shaking in fear and cold. He looks so sad that Calum almost cant breathe. Calum sees a decaying person with no soul. A simple body losing its energy. Slowly dieing and fading into the shadows of a forgotten world of death and lonlieness. And hes scared because he doent know what to do with the figure hes staring at.

 

Its himself.

 

Its him with the tired faces and condemed heart.

 

He wonders if anyone else can see how scared and hurt he is. 

 

They always ask. But he never answers.

 

Theres no point.

 

 

Theres no point in explaining to the world how hurt he is. How afraid of everything he is. They will never understand until they have cancer and thats all Calum really knows how to put it. You cant feel somthing. Not until its happening. You try to pretend that you do, but in reality its all just simply pretend. Calum stares at the people and he knows. Theyre just  _pretending._ They may not notice but they are. Emotion isnt a story you can read and memorize then recite to another. Emotion is  _emotion_ a sudden action that takes the breath from your body. It has your heart shaking and your sanity running on low. You can try and pretend that you know how it feels to lose your mother. You can pretend you failed high school. You can pretend youve been diagnosed with lung cancer. 

 

But you havent.

 

Calum has.

 

And sometimes it gets hard for him, they ask him how he feels how hes doing but they obviously dont know that 1.)  hell never tell them the truth. and 2.) he doesnt know how to put this  _emotion_ into words. He doesnt know how to describe what this feeling inside of him is. So he simply shruggs and well...

 

he pretends. Hes alright.

 

But he knows he'll never truly be alright.

 

Not for a long time.

 

So Calum escapes his mirror, with the imprint of his tired form still fresh and exploding in his mind. Walking through the bland hospital halls, numb figures swaying through his pupils. Throbbing sounds painting the scene he sees. Taking his phone from his pocket he pluggs his earsbuds in. 

 

 

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_   
_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow._

 

He countinues his way down the halls and gets to the elevator.

 

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_   
_Or the moment of truth in your lies._

 

He waits.

 

_When everything feels like the movies_   
_Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive._

 

 

 

The door dings and he walks out not looking up from his sneakers. Its when he he finally does look up he realizes he pressed the wrong floor. 

 

Hes on the ICU floor.

 

But when Calum turns to walk back he feels a...

 

thing.

 

_And I don't want the world to see me._

 

A certain pulling guiding him through the rooms of the floor. He knows he should stop. He should turn and leave. Hes already extremly late. But

 

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

 

His heartbeat speeds up as he stops at room with the door cracked. Ever so slightly he pushes on it and slowly blows inside.

 

 

 

_When everything's made to be broken._

 

In the pale room he spots a young boy. His blonde hair messy and eyes closed. His lips tightly closed and his skin cold and colorless. The monitors beep a boring song. And the window stands strong the sunlight of the early morning painting itself on the shiny glass. But Calum isnt noticing the hum of the television. Or the phone ringing in the background. He isnt noticing the boys dead-like figure. Not the music in his head phones.

 

 

Calum only notices his wrist.

 

Harsh lines on his dantiy arm. So many, so deep, Calum can feel the pain on his own. He stands there not knowing for how long. Just staring at this...kid. Hes so...beautiful. Why would he do that? Is that why hes here? What happened? Who is he? Where is his-

 

"EXCUSE ME."

 

A nurse cuts in.

 

Calum turns to see her standing in the door way.

 

"This is a private floor. Are you family?"

 

"No."

 

"Im going to need you to leave."

 

Calum turns back around to his new discovery. Giving him one more look over.

 

Then he simply leaves.

 

 

But he doesnt let it go.

 

Calums thoughts echo the pictures he mentally took of the boy. His mind races with questions and desires. He cant help but to not want to know more about him. Completely wonderwalled by his pink lips and blonde hair. His stomache is filled with butterflies and he doesnt know why.

 

 

He feels like hes known him his whole life.

 

He feels the tug again. The voices in his head keep telling him to go back and once hes up to the elevator they do nothing but get louder. He presses the button to the right floor this time and stares out. He can still see the room number, 345. But most of all he can still feel the butterflies.

 

_I just want you to know who I am._

 

_*_

 

Luke doesnt leave the post next to the little girls bed until she wakes up. She slowly lifts her head and turns, the sunlight spilling over her face and her brown eyes shining like diamonds. She smiles a closed lip smile. Her cheeks pink and the little crinkles forming in the corner of her eyes.

 

Luke thinks shes absoultely beautiful.

 

 

"Goodmorning angel." The little girl says. She hops out of the bed and runs to the bathroom.

 

Luke still in his spot doent reply. He is still a little shock by the girl talking to him. Let along calling him an angel. He cautiously walks to the door. Tapping on it then talking.

 

_How can you see me?_

 

"Because Im meant to." She answers.

 

 

_Would you mind telling me more?_

 

 _"_ what more is there to tell?"

 

_ALOT MORE. YOU MIND TELLING ME WHATS GOING ON. BECAUSE IM STILL A LITTLE CONFUSED._

 

"If you dont know whats going on then Im in big trouble?" She giggles.

 

_WELL WHY?!_

 

After a few attempts to explain while brushing her teeth, the little girl comes running out of the bathroom, grabbing clothes off of her bed and running right back in again.

 

"You see, youre here for a very important reason."

 

_What am I here for?_

 

 _"_ Youre here to save me."

 

She opens the door stepping out in black tights and a big pink sweater. She runs to her vanity and takes a seat. Luke follows.

 

"You see, I have a brain thingy, and in a few weeks Im going in to the room thingy to get it taken out. Im really really scared and sometimes I cry and get sad. My mommy told me that I have an angel who will come and make me not sad and scared anymore. She said he would look like my daddy who left a few months ago. I was starting to lose hope and then I found you so now im going to be ok!" She drops the brush and hops out of her seat, throwing her arms in the air and giving Luke a big toothy grin.

 

 

But Luke is breathless.

 

_Angel._

 

 

She nodds. 

 

 

_I cant be an angel Im not even-_

 

 _"_ ABBY BREAKFAST.'

 

 

The girl turns.

 

"Hold that thought lets go eat!"

 

 

She runs out the door with no socks on and wild hair.

 

 

 

Luke cant be an angel.

 

He simply cant.

 

 

But yet, he follows her out the room.

 

And if Calum is not on the floor completely below him thinking about the enchanting face he just witnessed that just so happened to be Lukes souless body well,

 

Hell never know.

 

_And I don't want the world to see me_   
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_   
_When everything's made to be broken_   
_I just want you to know who I am._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Iris by the Goo Goo dolls. But sleeping with sirens did a cover and its soo good. Thanks for reading sorry for any mistakes. xx


	9. Almost Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seems like everyones having a hard time breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys,
> 
> Im so sorry for not updating for over a month. Its been pretty hectic lately and Ive been going through some bullshit. Anyway if you seen any of my posts on tumblr you know that I have some very big surprises for both of my writing pieces. Sadly, the surprise for this fanfic will have to wait. But I will be anouncing my 1D surprise when I update that story after this. Im gonna need your guys help with it so once youre finished reading take an adventure to my first chapter writing piece with 1D. And if you havent checked it out yet I would really be happy and thankful if you did go read it. I work really hard for all of my stories. Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed your holidays hope you guys enjoy the chapter, sorry for any mistakes or grammar issues. Love ya
> 
> Ashxx

Liz cant breathe.

 

 

 

She really cant.

 

 

 

Her lungs feel like theyre weathering away with each passing second.

 

 

 

Liz simply cant.

 

 

 

The world turns into a scene from a movie, all painted in white with its clouds and skies mixed together in a seemingly watercolor like way.

 

 

 

Its christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

And Luke still isnt awake.

 

 

 

Liz didnt know what she expected. That as soon as the clock chimmed with an aching sound, as soon as the city of New York turned 12 in the morning Lukes eyes would magically open and he would breathe life back into his body and the world turn back into its rays and faith would once again be restored.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She expected that Luke would be awake by now.

 

 

 

Is he even alive?

 

 

 

Sure, his heart monitor still beeps and sure the nurses still come in every 30 minutes or so. Checking his palse as they stare numbly at their watch while doing so.

 

 

 

They all stay away from his damaged wrist though.

 

 

 

Maybe theyre avoiding it.

 

 

 

 _"Wouldnt blame them."_ Liz thinks.

 

 

 

Shes been trying to avoid it ever since shes calmed down.

 

 

Liz can help but to try to place her self in a different predicament with Luke.

 

 

 

Most times she tries to tell herself the usual things that might put people in a coma.

 

 

 

_He was in a car accident._

_Robbery gone bad._

_Baseball accident._

 

 

 Nothing more.

 

 

 

She doent think about those moments in the bathroom.

 

 

 

She still feels it, but no, she doesnt think about it.

 

 

 

For a number of reasons.

 

 

  1. Lisa tells her its unhealthy to keep dewlling on the bad things.
  2. Michael looks less sad some days and Liz wants to be like that as well.
  3. Its christmas, and she doesnt want to keep thinking.



 

 

Its so scary to know that this is the first time Liz and Luke wont be together on christmas.

 

 

 

Sure, theyll be together. But they wont be together.

 

 

 

They wont be at home. Decorating their little Charlie Brown christmas tree they brung all the way from Aulstralia because no one had the heart to throw it away. They wont be making cookies in the kitchen. Liz and Michael trying to bake while Luke sneaks in and out, saying hes just getting water but ends up taking the first batch. They wont be singing. Being the different family that doesnt sing christmas carols but instead old alternative bands songs. Theyre favorite was Nirvana.

 

 

 

_"Brings out the true meaning of christmas."_

 Michael would joke.

 

 

_"Oh yea, and whats that?"_

 Luke would ask and oh.

 

 

 

She misses her sons voice.

 

 

 

_"That people always want everthing to revolve around them, and christmas is the perfect example of a bullshit happy_ _-go-lucky movie where everyone thinks they know, but in reality theyre far from it. Christmas shows how completely fucked the world is and so did Nirvana."_

 

 

 

And even though through the whole monolouge Liz would be shaking her head at both the profanity and massage she known that Michael was right. Christmas was the perfect example of everyone hitting rock bottom. Maybe thats why they sung Nivana all the time.

 

 

 

But they wouldnt sing it this year.

 

 

 

Would they ever even sing it again?

 

 

 

As Liz watches the moving pictures called time fill and disolve with the minutes, as she watches the humans walk around in white sweater, with rosy cheeks. Red bags and hanging misoltoes she did realize.

 

 

 

Christmas was fucked up.

 

 

 

And now that Luke wasnt there.

 

 

 

It was even more fucked.

 

 

 

And Liz.

 

 

 

Liz cant breathe.

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

Luke cant breathe.

 

 

 

He stands in his white stale room staring at his body.

 

 

 

Walking forward he can feel his heartbeat quicken.

 

 

 

The monitor speeds up as well.

 

 

 

Outside his room the halls throb with a tired sound, phones ring and voices speak, like weak waves crashing into the sand, except theyre weak voices crashing into air.

 

 

 

Luke can feel his bones shake with each step to his body. He can feel his veins pulling him toward...himself. And he can see the darkness his real eyes are stuck in under his lids. He can-

 

 

 

"Merry christmas."

 

 

 

Its gone.

 

 

 

And sure Luke would be pissed, because he was so close to returning to his real self. So close to waking up and trying to fix everything because right now, its a hot mess. Luke would murder the person that ruined his chances at becoming him self but hes not going to because,

 

Its Michael.

 

He walks in his eyes stale and shake but a tired smile still on his face. His skin still shows his pale glow as it contrasts with the checkered red flannel he wears over his black tee shirt.

 

That was Lukes flannel.

 

_Hi._

 

Luke says.

 

Michael doesnt even blink when the word escapes Lukes mouth.

 

_They cant see me._

 

The boy countinues in the room, a big white box clutched to his side.

 

Luke walks over to his body as well.

 

But he cant feel his veins pulling him.

 

Not anymore.

 

"Mum is on her way, she had to go home and make sure the company knew what was going on. So while she was gone I thought it would be the perfect time to give you your present."

 

_Oh Mikey._

 

Luke swallows.

 

"I know its weird, mostly because youre not actually awake to know what I got you. But maybe you can still here us, and I couldnt wait to give this to you, I know youre going to love it."

 

_Im right here. I love it already._

 

Luke can feel the lump forming in his throat.

 

"Ill unwrap it for you." 

 

By the time Michael is finished with the sentence hes already got half of the wrapping paper of, the quietness of the room goes light as the sound of tearing paper pierce through its cold air.

 

And Luke.

 

Luke cries.

 

The tears roll down his face when he sees Michael hold up his present.

 

There, in his best friends hands sat a newly made shiny guitar. One side colored in a black the rest white and gleaming. The lights from the room dance of the shiny texture and its so bright it almost hurts Lukes eyes.

 

Almost.

 

"I got tired of you messing around with that old acustic one and thought maybe you would actually like an instrument you wouldnt be embarssed to take outside. I always seen you staring at this one in that old Rolling Stone magizine of yours so I went searching for it. Wasnt easy, but you were worth it." 

 

Michaels eyes roam over the guitar as it stands proud on his knee. He looks at as it its a person.

As if its Luke.

 

Filled with wonder and happiness, as if he knows its the thing thats gonna help him get his life on track.

 

Just like the way he would look at Luke.

 

Luke slowly kneals to the ground eyes not moving from Michaels tired frame. His tears get caught in his eyelashes the lights bouncing off of them make Michael look like some sort of angel.

 

"I know you would love it, you always had a thing for guitars." He turns away from the instrument and looks at Lukes motionless body. 

 

The heart monitor still sings its song.

 

"I actually wrote something for you."

 

And oh.

 

Michael only wrote about things that hurt him, which would probably be the reason why his writing was so good. Luke didnt know if he should be honored or even more sad.

 

Michael wrote a song for him.

 

But.

 

Michael wrote a song for him.

 

The pale boy flips the guitar over and gets ready to play. Before he begins he takes one more long lingering look at his only family.

 

Then.

 

He begins.

 

_Hello, hello. Youve been gone for quite sometime._

 

His voice spills light and achingly quiet, Lukes new guitar joins him on the second line.

 

_Be good, beautiful. Its scary dont I know._

 

_Ill be ok if you wont stay._

 

_It can be hard._

 

_Ill be ok if you go away._

 

Then his sweet voice pulls from its dark shadows as Luke hears the memories from his best friends past erupt in his words.

 

_Even if Im lieing it wouldnt really mean a thing. Even if you dont know you are all I need. Theres no reset, theres no go back, only our hands and beating hearts, but even if Im lieing youre still here almost breathing._

 

His eyes closed and his fingers strum the guitar as if hes been playing it for thousands of years.

 

_Crying souls ,burning holes you left in youre path._

 

_Bleeding wrists ,ruined lips is not all you are._

 

 

 

__Even if Im lieing it wouldnt really mean a thing. Even if you dont know you are all I need. Theres no reset, theres no go back, only our hands and beating hearts, but even if Im lieing youre still here almost breathing._ _

 

 

 

Michaels voice fades as the sounds from the guitar soften and then the room returns to its quiet heartbreaking air.

 

Lukes eyes are tightly closed as he remains on the floor, tears seeping through his eye lids. Then he feels a tight grip around his clean wrist. Luke snaps his head thinking Michael finally sees him but instead hes met with his best friend holding his bodys wrist, eyes on his closed lids.

 

"You can do this. I know Im not the person that usally has a lot of faith but I look at you and I just know Hemmings. You can do this." Michaels hand remains tight around Lukes wrist.

 

And Luke.

 

Luke cant breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is an orginal song be me!! Please dont steal, just ask me and Ill let you use it. If you want the whole version with me singing and playing the whole song (WHICH MIGHT BE HORRIBLE) leave a comment, anyway I will be updating VERY soon I promise because everything is really gonna start picking up. 
> 
> I love you and Stay rad.
> 
> Ashxx


	10. Hometown glory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACKKKK!!!!!!!  
> I'm back forever love me, keep me, feed me sausages and cupcakes because Thats all I eat. I missed you all so much and I hope you enjoy please. 
> 
> I love you xx

It all begins.

 

When the moon starts to cry.

 

The silver piercing the dark sky and the tiny glittering stars trying to calm it down.

 

 

Calum wants to go home.

 

He wants to go home _now_.

 

 

He can feel himself slipping in and out of his sanity. The memories of his childhood fresh and throbbing like a beating heart in his skull.

 

He wants his mommy. His father. He wants his bed with the white sheets and his white walls filled with pictures of the things he can never do.

 

Walking up millions of steps.

 _He gets tired easily_.

 

 

Climbing up a mountain.

 _He's not allowed to_.

 

Smiling.

 _Never_.

 

 

Calum can feel his body rocking back and forth. His spine cracks and his bed aches tiredly as the veins in his wrists goes spinning like wild stars on a summer night.

 

 

New York screams a hellish song as Calums thoughts dances to them.

 

_Home._

_He needs to get home._

 

His heart hurts and his stomach feels full of rocks. He gets up shaking, his long legs tremble with a familiar shake.

 

_Home._

_His real home._

 

Where it was no hell and definitely no lung diseases. Home where the air was light and the eyes he stared through stared back.

 

Calum moves to the door, the dry light of the decaying winter lights up his dark thick hospital room.

 

_Home._

 

 _Where he had hope_.

 

Where he had..... _something_.

 

"OTHER THAN THIS FUCKING DISEASE !!" He screams throwing open the blue metal door.

 

He stares at the hospital floor.

 

The white marble floors starts to crack beneath Calums bare feet. The floor comes alive gapping black holes forms around the youth, He screams.

 

"TAKE ME HOME!" He thrashes. Black shadows form through the walls with white gloves and needles.

 

They have no faces.

 

Calum starts to run until he realizes he's not moving. "NO.NO.NO.STOP" he screams at the shadows getting closer.

 

 

"We're trying to help you." They whisper, over and over until they surround Calum.

 

Until he can't breathe. Until he jumps up into his seat the sun blinding him from his reality.

 

 

He's awake.

 

 

But he's dead.

 

 

Sitting in the chemotherapy room. Getting a treatment.

 

But to Calum.

 

He's still in his nightmare.

 

Ripping out the needles in his arms tears fresh pouring down his face.

 

"TAKE ME HOME!!" He screams. The nurses run to his aid pulling his hands away from the machine he's currently trying to break.

 

 

"Calum!" They scream. "Stop it!!" He thrashes and claws.

 

"We're trying to help you!!"

 

"TAKE ME HOME!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!" He claws.

 

_Home._

 

 _Where he had a chance_.

 

Calum sees the needle in her hand.

 

Her white gloved hand.

 

"NO, STOP! NOT AGAIN!!"

 

_Home._

 

_Where he didn't cry._

 

"We're trying to help you." Her blue eyes close when the needle enters Calums arm.

 

"PLEASE. Don't." He cries.

His eyes slips close.

 

His hometown dancing behind his pupils.

 

 

A little girl stands hidden in the door way, witnessing the horror.

 

 

_Jesus._

Says Luke.

 

He can feel the tears behind his eyeballs.

 

"It's fine." Says Abby, staring ahead. Her brown hair tucked behind her ears.

 

 

"He does this every time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short and horrible!!!!  
> I recently made an Instagram which I never thought I would make. So if you guys could check it out @a.rsenic.s that would be amazing and I will follow back.
> 
> Stay rad bitches.


	11. In Abby's room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys. I Missed writing so much and I'm back. I'm typing this on my phone so sorry it's so short I'll try to update soon
> 
> Ash xx

Abby is only 8.

 

But she's more wiser than any other 8 year old kid.

Luke decided.

 

She was to young to know what she had or to know why Luke was supposedly her "angel."

 

But he thought he should keep his new found information to his self. The girl was already nervous.

 

Abby was 6 when they discovered a brain tumor in her head. It was small and light and basically easy to remove. But when her dad died in war and the bank refusing to pay her mom the insurance money, Abby's surgery had to wait.

 

So she did.

 

When her church came up with the money needed, Abby's mom cried tears of joy. She wouldn't lose her little girl.

She wouldn't be all alone.

 

So Abby tells Luke all of this two days before she goes into the surgery room. Or the "thingy" room as she calls it.

 

_Aren't you scared?_

Luke asks.

 

"Scared?" Abby tilts her head.

 

_Scared. Like fear and anxiety all stirring in your stomach?_

 

Luke makes big hand gestures while he talks because it's been so long since someone saw him.

 

And he's just so excited.

 

"Well duhh!"

 

Abby sticks her tongue out.

 

 

"Of course I'm scared, but that's a good thing."

She responds by adding the last part quickly.

 

_I don't get it. Why is being scared a good thing?_

Luke asks.

 

The curiosity painting the features of his face.

 

"Because my daddy told me being scared means you have love. If you're scared it means you care. And me being scared about leaving my momma and auntie, means I love them and always want them to be happy. And them being scared for me, means they love me and care for me deeply."

 

She brushes her dolls hair while she speaks and Luke is amazed at the wise words she pulls out, so strong and quiet.

 

They're laying around in her princess room, the outside of New York becomes the background scene to their beautiful painting, when she tells Luke this.

But Abby realizes that Luke still doesn't understand. It's as if she can see Luke's past trying to rewrite itself in the blue orbs of his eyes.

 

So she explains it even more.

 

"Why are you an angel?"

Abby asks.

 

_I'm not_

 

Luke so badly wants to reply but he just can't bring himself to say it.

So he replies the best way he could've.

 

_Because when I was a human, sometimes it didn't feel right._

 

"So you drew little red lines on your arms?"

Abby quietly asks.

 

Luke is somewhat taken back by this, mostly because he didn't know she was even aware of his cuts or paying much attention to his body at all.She never really looked at him. At least he thought.

 

Because sometimes life doesn't feel right.

 

 _Yes_.

Is all Luke responds with.

 

"Well you were scared weren't you? That's what my momma said. People who have red lines on their wrists are angels who just get really scared."

 

She places her Barbie doll in the doll house just to pick up another.

 

"But Mr. Angel, what I don't understand is what are you afraid of?"

 

She stops brushing for a second and looks in the blue eyes of Luke's.

 

And well.

 

What was Luke afraid of?

 

 _I think_.

 

Luke whispers.

 

_I don't quite know but, I think I was scared of why I couldn't feel anything._

 

He turns to Abby but she remains quiet, so he continues.

 

_You see most of my life I would always wonder about the people around me. Who they were and how they would die and why they did the things they did. But every time I always thought about me, I would come up empty and completely confused. I had no story. No real reason to live. I wasn't needed. Not like you Abby. So when I thought about these things, I became numb. And I needed something to help me feel something. To help me feel like I wasn't a character in some story but a real person. I wanted to feel alive I guess. I just wanted to know how I would be remembered._

 

Luke finishes his monologue when the golden sun hugs his face. The world shifts into an orange-like palace with the golds and yellows decorating the dead walls of the hospital.

 

And it's almost as if Luke can hear the time growing back into past.

 

Abby stares at him for a moment. Those brown eyes of hers go moving around Luke's face almost as if she's looking for something.

 

"My dad wanted to be remembered." She said quietly.

 

_And is he remembered?_

 

Luke desperately asks.

 

He needs to know.

He really does.

 

"I don't really know."

 

Replies Abby.

 

"We have pictures of him on the walls and when we go to church everyone always says his name in prayers. But I don't really think that's being remembered."

 

_Then what would you call being remembered?_

 

Luke can feel the storm of December inside his bones. He suddenly gets cold and can feel ice.

 

"I would call being remembered as people being scared for you. So I'm scared that my daddy won't be proud of me if I go crying like a baby in surgery."

 

She giggles at that, picking up another doll.

 

"So yea, my dads gone but I still feel kinda scared even if he isn't really here. I still feel him here. And for me I still worry, so I guess he is remembered. You're an angel Mr. "

 

She looks out the window and Luke can see her beauty unfolding out of itself.

 

"And if someone is scared for you, you'll be remembered."

 

"And just like my daddy would say, if I'm remembered I'll be just fine."

 

 

And Luke.

 

Luke thinks Abby has been alive for more than 8 years.

 

 

+

 

 

The hospital lights flicker the most in the late hours.

 

Atleast  that's what Calum decides.

He slips through the thin line of security in the ICU floor of the hospital with his headphones and a blanket.

 

His bones feel heavy, and after his freak out yesterday he can hear these distant voices calling out across the line in the loud city of his head.

He's losing his mind.

 

 

He just knows it.

 

He woke up in the dead of night.

 

The weak days of December roaring on its last legs, yelling at Calum to get up.

 

 _Visit the boy_.

 

They say.

 

 _Visit the boy_.

 

So he does.

 

His sneakers screech against the floor in his hurried attempt to get the room 345.

When he does make it the door is pushed too and the blue lights from the machines make pretty dance moves, grinding their figures with the black shadows of the night.

 

When Calum enters he's met with the same boy.

Blonde hair and chapped lips.

 

Just more decayed.

 

But still it feels like the first time. Iris playing softly through his ears.

 

His hair has lost its style. Now it lays flat on the boys head. His skin looks blue, thanks to the machines but, while Calum slipped through the door the hospital light gave him the picture he needed to see that the boys skin had reached a new level of paleness being the color of the city's winter sky. The jagged lines on the boys wrist turned from an angry red, to a calming red and at that Calum sighed.

 

"He's healing."

He said to himself.

 

The boy looked peaceful and quiet his chest rising faintly and the monitors singing they're same old song.

 

Calum carefully bent down to check the boys hospital bracelet to find a name.

 

LUKE ROBERT HEMMINGS

It read. "

Well hello Luke." Calum spoke.

 

His voice weak and hoarse from his screaming just the day before.

He needs something to help him.

 

 

He just doesn't want to be alone.

 

"It seems you and me are going to be hanging around each other for a bit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwwwweeww


	12. Swiftly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It always happens to fast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH AN UPDATE. SO QUICK
> 
> yeaa my home skillets
> 
> xx Ash

"Her name was Karen. And her cheeks were always this rosy pink color."

 

Michael smiles.

 

"She had long blonde hair and these brown eyes, and always smelled like vanilla."

He countinues.

 

"I was 14 when I got a call in school, something about a car accident and that it was pretty messy."

 

He stops to take a short sigh staring at the blank wall. Moving pictures collaspsing in the pupils of his eyes.

 

"I thought it was my dad. They never told me who it was, they just said parent. I thought my dad and his ways finally caught up to him and he finally crashed that piece of shit car of his. I remembered feeling relief. A sort of warm summer breeze, almost as if I could breathe again. My dad would be gone, and my mum and I could finally be at peace. I thought it was the best day of my life. God, what kind of child says things like this?"

 

He turns to Calum but the boy remains silent and still. Watching him at his memories explode through his lips like oceans and wild waves.

 

"But it wasnt my father. It was my mum."

 

He closes his eyes swift and hard, the heels of his hands pressing against his sockets, almost as if he is trying to push the feelings back into the corners of his brain.

 

 

Almost as if he is trying to stop himself from crying.

 

"Have you ever ran fast? Not like a normal fast but a dangerously fast...fast. Where you can hear the wind in your ears and you cant see anything because you either have your eyes tightly closed or the scenery around you looks so mushed and messy you cant make a single thing out? And then suddenly you trip, and you fall. Hard. You fall and you feel so embarassed, you feel so lost and confused as to how and why it happened so fast?"

 

Calum doesnt answer.

 

He's never ran. He has lung cancer. 

 

But he keeps his answer to himself.

 

Because from the looks of it, Michael wasnt really asking him the question.

 

More like painting a sort of everyday scene for Calum to understand the gut wrenching feeling in his stomache when he thought his dad died. 

 

"Thats what it felt like, Like I was moving swiftly through the world, going somewhere good, and then tripping, and falling in complete embarassment and confusion."

 

He looks at Calum again and then looks back to the wall.

 

"And after that feeling came, the true pain. Not just pain but, truthfully pain. A pain where there is no denial or hope of any other outcome. Its just the feeling of hurt and its so honest and proven you cant try to overcome it. I had lost the only thing that could make my world come back together, and now that she was gone, pronounced dead at the hospital, I had no hope. I had no way to escape the wrath of my father and collasping future of my life. It was the truth, a truthful pain."

 

Calum stares speechless.

 

Michael really was a writer. And he really did go through some bullshit.

 

"I know you're probably confused as to why Im telling you this. We've only been friends for a few weeks but in order to tell you why Im here, I have to tell you why I.... _am_ here."

 

He emphasises the am part with his head moving to the side and his hands opening.

 

Calum doesnt say a word.

 

Hes been silent alot lately.

 

"I thought I would be in pain for the rest of my life, well, sometimes I thought I would live like that, other times I thought about just taking sleeping pills and going back to my mother."

 

It scares Calum how nonchantly Michael says that, like its normal.

 

"Then I met this boy, who sat by me at lunch one day because all the other tables wouldnt have him, a boy who would ask for my milk when he already had 2 cups. A boy with blue eyes. Kind of chubby but still adorable. The kid had braces and everything."

 

Calum breaks a soft smile.

 

"I fuckin hated him."

 

Calum jaw drops.

 

"For quite sometime."

 

Michael chuckles.

 

"Everytime I looked at him I saw nothing but a rich kid who gets whatever he wants and thats probably why no other table wanted him. But after sometime I learned, that blue eyed boy hated his step dad, barely had money and didnt get fed at home. So I gave that boy my milk everyday, and soon that milk turned into some milk and half of my sandwhich, then that turned into some milk and half of my sandwhich and my bag of crips."

 

He smiled again.

 

"Then one day at lunch he said he didnt need to eat my food anymore, his mummy got a new job and left his mean step father and now he can eat whatever he wants when he wants it, and oh god I was so happy for that blue eyed boy, because he really deserved it. And as swiftly as he needed me, he didnt need me anymore. I thought that was the end of us. But he kept sitting next to me, for two years straight. That blue eyed boy, didnt look like a chubby boy anymore. No, he looked strong and wild, and he grew quite good looking and wealthy, the kids that onced banned him from their lunch tables had a seat saved for him everyday, his face grew into itself, and he could get any girl he wanted. But he didnt want those lunch tables, or the cheerleaders that threw themselves at him. He just wanted to be loved. And Id look at him sometimes and want to ask why? But I could never bring myself to say so. So I just watched him, as he let me into his house, I watched him as he let me sleep over, as he gave me food, as he and his mother gave me a home, I watched as he played guitar, and get his lip pierced, as he would sing in the window when he thought no one was home, I watched him as he took me halfway across the world with his only reason was _thats just what friends do_.I watched him grow into something, I watched.."

 

Michael breaths hevy.

 

Calum is standing ready to go to him to calm him down after his small panic attack but Michael puts his hand up and the tan boy sits back down.

 

"I watched him take this truthful pain, and set it on fire. And it was then when I figured out why I gave him my food and let him sit at my table and play my video games. it was because in him, I saw my mother. Her caring soul and warm ora had risen from her body and taken shelter in the temple, of Luke Robert Hemmings."

 

Calum, stares.

 

And it all makes sense now.

 

Everytime Michael would laugh and get mad at himself for _laughing when he might not even make it,_ why Michael seemed perfectly fine but still come to the hospital neraly everyday.

 

Calum understood.

 

"Why did he try to kill himself?" Calum calmly asks.

 

Michael looks up, confusion on his face but not having the energy to ask so he just answers.

 

"No one really knows, maybe it was just a boil up from all the things that happened through the years, the icing on the cake being that fight with his mother."

 

Calum looks away.

 

"Hes been in a coma for 2 months now. Everyone is ruining out of hope and say we should just pull the plug-"

 

"DONT DO THAT! WHAT ARE YOU A MONSTER!"

 

Calum screams.

 

Michael head snaps up and his eyes narrow.

 

"YOU THINK I WOULD."

 

It gets quiet.

 

"Thats my best friend and I dont care what anyone says I will never stop fighting for him! I know he can make it! I know hes strong and I know he was put here for a reason, not just to exsit for 17 years and then slice up his wrist and die! He my hope and if I lose him, that truthful pain will come back, and I know Luke like the back of my hand. He wouldnt let any of us hurt. I love him and Im scared of what this would be without him."

 

Calum stares.

 

"He"s the reason Im here today, and Im gonna be the reason he's here tomorrow."

 

And its so honest. So quick and proud that Calum wishes Michael will fight like this when he's dieing.

 

"Sorry." Is all Calum says.

 

"How do you even know about him anyway?" Michael changes the subject.

 

Oh shit.

 

He got caught.

 

"Once I was on my way to chemo, I pressed the wrong floor when I found this boy laying on a hospital bed, his wrist painted red and hair golden and blonde, dont know what it was about him but when I look at him..-"

 

"You feel alright."

 

Michael finishes.

 

"Luke can do that to people. Sometimes he just doent know what hes worth."

 

They stare at eachother quiet and still.

 

"He would like you." Michael says quietly.

 

Calum perks up slightly.

 

"Really?" He smiles.

 

"Yea, you both seem similar in completely different ways."

 

Calum chuckles.

 

"Yea well when he wakes up we'll see. Because he hasnt said a word to me, but I think Im in love with him."

 

Michael doesnt look creeped out or distrubed or shocked and confused. He just looks  _understanding._ Almost as if he knows where Calum is coming from and that makes Calum feel a little better.

 

And when Calum tells Michael that when Luke wakes up they'll see, saying that Luke will wake up, that makes Michael feel a little better too.

 

+

 

"Got your overnight bag?" The woman asks.

 

Abby nodds, her teddy bear clutched at her side. 

 

The woman gives a small smile and grabs the bag walking out.

 

_Youl'l be fine kid._

 

Luke says. 

 

Hes next to the window staring out as the January air fades again, into the Febuary scene.

 

He's running out of time.

 

He can feel it.

 

 "I know. Its just sometimes I get scared. Im such a wuss!" She sighs.

 

Luke chuckles and slides down from the chair, crawling over to Abby, and in return Abby falls to the floor and crawls to meet Luke in their spot. Underneath the princess party table. 

 

Away from the world.

 

_You arent a wuss, Abs. Youre the most bravest and coolest and kindess-_

 

"And prettiest!" Abby snaps

 

_Yes of course, and prettiest girl Ive ever met. Its gonna go fast and easy and soon enough you'll be going back home to your mommy and you church and your favorite picture of your dad and then you wont even need me anymore._

 

"Im always going to need you, angel." Abby quietly responds.

 

And for a second. Luke can hear his heart in his ears, and a lump in his throat.

 

_We always think we need something, Abs. But in reality, sometimes we let them go because we are stronger than before._

 

He touches her nose even though she cant feel it. 

 

He can touch things now. 

 

Hes running out of time.

 

He knows.

 

"Well we do always need something. But you Mr. Angel, being without you wont make me any stronger then before, it'll only make me sadder."

 

She smiles and god, she is beautiful, inside and out.

 

_You'll see Abs. You're not going to need me, not when youre going home to your momma._

 

 _"_ Abby! Come on!"

 

They both move from their own little world and give each other a small smile.

 

"This isnt goodbye Mr. Angel."

 

Abby wishpers as she goes in to hug Luke.

 

_There is never a goodbye for those who are remembered._

 

Luke says and yes.

 

He can feel her.

 

_My name is Luke._

 

He adds.

 

"I know." Abby replies.

 

"You just needed to be reminded of who you are."

 

And as swiftly as her hair moved the first time he saw her, her hair moved smoothly again, out the door, giving millions of thoughts to Luke.

 

Just like the first time.

 

And Luke.

 

Luke simply walked out of the pink princess room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tears. Fuckin abby fucking with my emotions.


	13. How to save a life (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update? Whattt

Joy was running out of options. She could feel time thinning into veins under dying skin but yet it only seem to be days that passed.

Calum was getting worse.

And not worse physically but worse _mentally_.

 

His jokes with Anna seemed less playful but more of an act he was playing, his smile seemed to weather into thin pieces of teeth and lips.

Even the way he said Mom was off.

So dull and broken, almost as if it was a code for something else, something more gruesome and saddening.

 

"Mom" he would say.

But in Joys ears all she heard was 

 

_Help me, I'm so sad._

 

So she watched closely at her son as the days of February turned into March. Keeping a close eye on him and doing her best to make his hospital stay more like home and she could tell that Calum was thankful for this and to an extent he was happy but the happiness had never reached his eyes or, the curl of his lips. He had gotten a new friend and his name was Michael and although she disliked his hair she thought he was a nice boy and that he made Calum more comfortable.

Hair was just hair anyway.

 

She still didn't know what to do for her son. There was no book on how to help kids who have lung cancer with depression, at least none she saw. It was only up to her. She had to figure out how she could get her son back to being her son again.

And judging by the way his eyes turned from brown to black. She knew it would be hard. So she created her own book. HOW TO: Make Calum Happh. BY: Joy Hood.

 

Yea, that sounds good.

 

They currently sit in room 115 as Calum gets his 85th treatment since Christmas. It's quiet and even though it's the morning it still in some way feels dark. The way the monitor sings or the way Calum's fingers dance to the beat. The way he has grown normal to all of these around him. She herself has a hard time staring at him. She never liked seeing him like this, needles  in his arm, hospital air in his hair. It makes her feel sad and she can feel the tears coming but she doesn't let them fall, this book. 

She has to make this book.

 

So she thinks over the life she has shared with her son and tries to find something that could give him a smile that actually reaches his eyes.

 

Then she speaks.

" Remember when I had some friends come over the house for dinner when you were 5"? 

 

Calum looks over from his chair.

He's getting a treatment. But it seems like it's doing no good. He's still in pain.

"No."

Oh God, he looks so tired.

"Sure you do" Joy replies quietly. " You were about 5 years old and you had a huge gap in your mouth. I asked you to go and put on your nice little suit and when everyone came over you ran down the stairs half naked. Everyone was laughing and I asked you why you didn't have your pants on and you replied...."

 

"Superman donts wear pants mum!" Calum smiled, yesterdays swelling up in his eyes.

 

"Worst part of it all" Joy laughs. "You were so serious." 

 

The two began to laugh in the room their eyes crinkling identical to each other and their teeth white in the sunlight.

Mother and son they were.

 

Not the patient and parent.

 

" I was a mess." Said Calum, wiping a tear with his free hand.

" No." Said Joy.

 

" You were beautiful." 

Calum looks at her with ruined fires in his eyes.

"Mom" he says

 

 _Help me._ Joy hears. 

" Everything will be fine, I know it will" she continues.

" How do you know that though?" Calum asks, and he's begging for the answer as the heater starts up like background music for talk. 

"Because I just do." She answers proudly, but then she sees the disappointed look on Calums face and realises she's going to need something stronger.

So she tries again.

"And I know you can  survive this, because even though you have pants on."

Calum turns to her.

"You're still Superman."

And he smiles at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's so short but I'm typing this on a tablet and this shit is annoying so it's being divded into two parts because I just can't right now.


	14. Its raining outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its raining outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this escalated quickly.
> 
> Hey guys Im back.
> 
> I actually think this story is almost done.
> 
> And I got some shit up my sleeve so keep reading.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Ashxx

It's raining outside.

 

That is all Calum notices when his mother leaves.

 

He watches it and wonders when will it stop.

 

It never stops. 

 

And as Calum ponders staring at the rain in Luke’s hospital room he goes over his entire life in a matter of seconds.

It's small pictures flicking too fast for him to really get a good look at them but nonetheless it's his memories. Theyre going and going and going and Calum can't slow them down. They're loud and thunderous. Grey and small.

 

It's raining outside.

 

Calum stares at Luke while the rain continues to rage outside and his memories are still flashing by in his mind.

 

Luke is still there.

 

And a few days ago he met Luke's mom. And she was lovely. With her identical blue eyes and thin lips. Her blonde hair and palish skin.

  
  


She was Luke.

 

Except when Calum met her she was crying. Tears streaming down her face with tracks of black eyeliner falling behind.

 

_ Is he going to wake up? _

 

_ When is he going to wake up? _

 

It's raining outside.

  
  


He sighs, moving away from the hospital window and towards the bed where Luke lays.

 

“You're giving your friends and family a real scare I hope you know.” He says and he wonders if Luke can hear him.

 

If he can he gives no indication.

 

The boy still lays there. Eyes slipped closed lips parted partially and the pinkness drain long ago now sits a deathly pale grey. His skin now close to paper and hair now close to white.

 

“Are you even alive still?”

 

But then he hears the heart monitor beeping and he closes his eyes and sighs. 

 

Of course he is still alive.

  
  


It's raining outside.

  
  


Calum has saved every detail of Luke in his mind. The look of his skin, his hair and eyelashes.

 

Even the scars on his wrist.

 

As much as it makes him sick he still looks at them and studies them, memorizing where each cut is and how big it is. Some are still red though most has calmed down to angry pink. 

 

“Why did you do this to yourself?” Calum asked.

 

He sits on the edge of the bed, not touching Luke but wanting to. He squeezes the edge of the mattress and pulls his oxygen tank closer to him.

  
  


He has to have one now.

  
  


It's raining outside.

  
  


He breathes in for 5 seconds then release for 5 seconds. Closing his eyes while he does it, trying to make himself stronger so the tears threatening behind his lids won't fall. He can't cry, not right now. He’s getting sadder but he can't just cry.

 

He looks at Luke as the storm outside starts to grow more erratic.

 

“Do you know that  Lung cancer is rare among young adults. It is usually only found in people who are 50 years of age or older, with an average age at diagnosis of 60. I'm so rare.”  Calum spits and laughs at the same time.

 

He turns his head to the raining outside the window. Then he looks at Luke again.

 

“So rare. But do you also know that over 150,000 Americans die from the disease every year. And that only 15 percent of people with lung cancer will live for only five years.” 

 

He pauses.

 

“I've been living with it for 13 years.” He laughs again and this time he can feel the tears coming down.

 

“They thought it was leukemia. But after some more test it was in fact lung cancer. I mean can you believe that? I have not managed to break statistics and fact not once but twice?” He pulls his head back.

 

Opening his eyes tears began to slide down brushing against his temple.

 

“And every day I break statistics more and more Luke. Everyday I am challenging fact. I am proof of both a tragedy and a miracle.”

 

Calum moves closer to the boy.

 

“And while it hurts, so much sometimes I continue to live because I have some unfinished business here.” 

 

It's raining outside.

 

“Sometimes I think I should give up, sometimes I think life will be better without me, for my friends and family. They won't need to worry and I won't need to be in pain. But I don't give up because we are designed to keep living. My body is designed to survive and that's what it's doing. And even if I don't want to mentally be here, my body isn't ready to go. When I'm asleep my heart's still beating. I'm still here. It's keeping me alive and it's broken and ruined yes but it's surviving. There's a reason for that. Somewhere in this world there is a reason for why I should've died 8 years ago but didn't. And Luke there is a reason for why you're still here breathing. Why you cut yourself up like that I don't know. But I do know your heart is beating and you are meant to be kept alive. Don't take it for granted. Ive lost alot of friends here. Within these rooms, I've seen a lot of blankets being pulled over a lot of innocent faces and-

 

He chokes. Tears began falling heavy on his face but he continues still.

 

“And it's not fair. Because they didn't do anything yet their hearts were done beating. Their bodies didn't want to exist anymore so they gave up and I'm so scared that it's going to be me. So scared that my body is running out of reasons to keep surviving but this isn't about me no. It's about you. And the fact that you didn't finish Christmas shopping, or that you didn't hear that new Sleeping with Sirens album. You're not done. So don't try to leave early. Most everyone will kill to be in your spot. I  _ would _ kill to be in your spot. Wake up.”

 

Silence.

 

“It's raining outside.” Calum simply says.

 

But it's raining harder inside of him.

 

“I'm so rare. I truly am remarkable. And so are you.”

 

Silence

 

“Wake up.”

 

It's raining outside.

  
  


                                                        ***

  
  


And Luke would be lying if he said he didn't feel all of Calum's words in his soul.

 

The tremble of his voice, the terror of extinction ripping through his eyes and setting Luke's insides aflame. 

 

The boy can do nothing but stare and listen to Calum through it all.

  
  


_ They can't see me. _

  
  


So he listens.

  
  


And as Luke listens he thinks about the tragedies and miracles of the world. He thinks of history and his own existence and wonders if he really were a miracle like Calum.

 

He can't see how he was. For his life has had nothing but tragedy.

 

It's raining outside.

 

But Luke doesn't care much for it.

 

It's been raining a lot for him lately. 

  
  


_ He’s running out of time. _

 

Is it possible that what he is now- what is going on with him right now.

 

Is this the miracle?

 

_ I'm so rare. I truly am remarkable. And so are you _

 

Is this rare? The ability to choose where he is going, to have that chance to wake up or actually die? To see the people around him and see how much they need him? To fall in love?

 

Is this remarkable?

 

Is loving Calum remarkable?

 

_ Yes _ . Luke answers himself.

 

_ You are remarkable Calum. You're beautiful both inside and out. Truly amazing, but I am not. _

  
  


Luke hears Calum speak.

 

_ Wake up. _

 

He’s running out of time.

 

They both are.

 

And Luke.

 

_ Luke can't breathe. _

 

It's raining outside.

 

And so while Calum sings to him a song he doesn't recognize Luke walks out of the room.

 

He steers through the hospital. And everything feels underwater. Far away. Less awake. And people are smiling, some are crying. Some are doing nothing at all.

  
  


_ I'm so rare. I truly am remarkable. And so are you. _

 

This ability, to watch. To understand. Luke didn't realize it before.

 

Kids are on the floor playing with hot wheels.

 

But their uncle just died.

 

Another girl has headphones in her ear and is blasting music.

 

She doesn't know that her boyfriend was just told he has AIDS

 

A mother sits clutching her purse staring at wall.

 

She didn't mean to give her son the wrong medicine.

 

A grandfather coughing into his fist.

 

Luke notices the blood.

 

A nurse looking around at people

 

Luke can see the medicine she's sneaking into her purse.

 

He can hear a baby crying. 

 

He can see the blanket being pulled over the baby’s mothers face.

 

It's raining outside.

  
  


And would people really kill to be in Luke's position. To see the world as it really is.

 

Horribly fucked.

  
  


And then he is remembering what Calum said.

 

_ I'm so rare. I truly am remarkable. And so are you _

  
  


It feels like years when he gets back to Abby's room. 

 

It's half empty.

 

_ Strange  _ Luke thinks.

 

_ I didn't know she was out of surgery so early. _

 

He stands there watching absolutely nothing, and in the midst of his nothingness a woman walks in. Her nose red and eyes bloodshot.

 

She’s clutching Abby's favorite doll.

  
  


_ Her mother.  _ Luke guesses.

 

He’s right.

 

“Mrs. Schuyler!” The man is breathing heavy, almost as if he was chasing her. “Mrs. Schuyler I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. Her heart gave out. I'm so sorry.”

 

Luke stares.

 

Luke hears.

 

Luke screams.

  
  


_ Whats happening?  _

 

_ Where is she!  _

_ WHERE IS SHE! _

 

He screams louder looking at the doctor who is looking at Abby's mom who is looking at the window.

 

It's raining outside.

 

“I'm so sorry. She was so strong.”

 

His unbeating heart sinks into his stomach, an aching beat of _ nononononononononono _ is coursing through his entire soul, and it's physically hurting him.

 

_ Where is Abby? _

_ Tell me Abby is ok. _

_ Where is my Abby? _

 

Then he notices the way Mrs. Schuyler's eyes shoot to him. 

 

And then they're looking at each other face to face. In silence and suddenly there is a conjoining painful sound of two broken hearts breaking even more.

 

And when Mrs. Schuyler slides to the floor, dolls and princess crowns tangled in her delicate hands Luke slides down to her as well. 

 

And for a moment of time, Luke can understand.

 

Abbys mom is silent but she is still staring at him. 

 

He shakes his head.

 

_ I let you both down. _

 

_ I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. _

 

Mrs. Schuyler is still staring. Her eyes shed no tears but Luke sheds enough for both of them.

 

He remembers Abby, her brown hair, her eyes. Her innocence.

  
  


_ This isn't goodbye Mr. Angel _

 

She said.

 

But it was.

 

_ Abby.  _

 

Luke and Mrs. Schuyler lay like that for a long time.

 

_ This isn't fair. _

 

_ I was supposed to protect her. _

 

_ She was supposed to be fine. _

 

_ She was supposed to go home. _

 

But Luke knows the truth. 

 

She did go home.

 

And he’s going home with her.

  
  
It's raining outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont hurt me please. 
> 
> Im gone for all this time and then I come back and BOOM. Sorry guys.
> 
> Anyway if you guys like this check out my newest story call Blue blood. its kinda like this one.
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> Ashxx


	15. I saved every memory of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost done here guys

His mind was made up.

 

He wasn't coming back.

 

Luke knew it.

 

Everything everyone told him.

 

Michael.

 

_ You can do this. I know I'm not the person that usually has a lot of faith but I look at you and I just know Hemmings. You can do this. _

  
  


His mother.

 

_ We’re home baby. _

  
  


The nurse.

 

_ You're the only one who has the last word. _

  
  


Calum.

 

_ I'm so rare. I truly am remarkable. And so are you. _

  
  


Abby.

 

_ You just needed to be reminded of who you are. _

  
  


They were all wrong.

 

And he sees it now.

  
  


He wasn't meant to exist. He wasn't meant to be here. Everyone around him is hurting and he is the reason.

 

Abby.

 

He misses Abby.

 

But Abby is gone.

 

Hugging her father in that better place. The one in which Luke is currently stuck between.

  
  


He was her angel. He was supposed to protect her. 

 

He has failed.

 

And no, Calum doesn't matter right now. He doesn't matter because if he did he would just get hurt like Abby.

 

Luke can't let Calum die.

 

So if that means him leaving this world to make sure Calum lives longer. 

 

Then so be it. 

  
  


He’s leaving.

 

For Abby.

 

And Calum.

 

For his mother.

 

And Michael.

 

He hurts everyone.

 

He fucks it up.

 

And he now knows why he was meant to do this. To see all of these things yet no one see him. He had to see the destruction he has cause, the pain he has inflicted. Confusion and anger. Tears.

 

He remembers Mrs. Schuyler's eyes. 

 

The way they did not shed tears yet were full of so much emotion. 

 

_ I'm so sorry. _

 

But she didn't hear him. She didn't know he was there.

 

_ They can't see me. _

  
  


_ They won't see me ever again. _

  
  


He’s running out of time.

 

He doesn't need much longer.

 

Because while Luke is walking through the hospital, while he is staring at the walls he has familiarized like his own home he can feel it again.

 

_ It doesn't feel right. _

 

He is numb and cold. And he isn't looking at anything except for the walls but even then he isn't focusing on them for it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Nothing matters.

 

He is leaving.

 

It's stopped raining outside.

 

_ When it doesn't feel right. _

 

Luke would add another cut to his wrist. 

 

If he could.

 

He would end it all like that but instead he’s just leaving.

 

_ We’re home baby. _

 

He’s not.

 

He gets back to his own room in a sea of blurry scenes and the color blue. It's starting to warm up outside but Luke can't feel the sun. He can't feel anything. Hes numb.

 

_ It doesn't feel right. _

 

When he does walk through the door he sees his mother.

 

She’s asleep in the little chair next to his bed. Her blonde hair sprawled out across his arm. Her shoulders rising softly and falling at once as she breathes, a combined sound of her light snores and wheezing.

 

She must have been crying again.

  
  


He sits next to her. Eyes never leaving her form.

 

_ It's time to say goodbye mommy. _

 

_ Save him please!  _ She screamed that night.

 

He puts his hand on hers but she moves not an inch for she can't feel it.

 

_ They can't see me. _

 

_ They can't feel me. _

 

_ I am not real. _

 

_ Not anymore. _

 

It's silence when he is watching her. He thinks back to everything. As far back as he can remember. 

 

His 5th birthday party.

 

Their trip to Disneyland.

 

The first time he saw his father hit her.

  
  


The second time his father hit him.

 

Them running away.

 

His mother's smile when she told him she got a job.

 

Michael and their first Christmas together.

 

Michael and their last Christmas together.

 

That fight that felt like it was years ago.

 

Her slapping him.

 

His red wrist.

 

He remembers it all.

 

_ If I knew that was going to be our last time together. I would have said goodbye.  _

 

Silence.

 

He looks away for a moment then looks back.

 

_ This is goodbye. _

 

_ Ive saved every moment I had of you. From the moment I seen them, I knew I loved you, I knew you loved me. Love me. Did you know what Michael said. When he saw us together the first time? He said you guys are barbies. Plastic and made from the sun. Made for eachother. And sometimes barbie dolls get a little messy, broken from age. But we've always managed to fix ourselves. To fix each other.  _

 

He breathes in and at that moment he can see his chest rise in synch.

 

Weird.

 

_ I was hoping I could tell you why I did what I did. Just as I was hoping you could tell me why you did what you did. But it doesn't matter anymore mom. It stopped raining outside and I can see it clearly. I met a girl named Abby who told me to be remembered and loved is the only thing worth fighting for. I met a boy name Calum who told me that miracles and tragedies are part of life and that if your heart is beating be thankful. I met another boy named Michael who told me that if you find that one person who can fix the pain, you shouldn't let them go. But most of all, I loved a woman who has told me none of those things but has still managed to imprint me. You have given me life. And now it's time to take it away. _

 

He puts his hand on her head and he can feel her hair, silk and soft.

 

_ It's time to take this all away. _

 

He signals to the hospital room.

 

_ No more white curtains or cafeteria food. No more sad songs, and tears, no more ruined black eyeliner or guitars that hold bad memories. No more rainy days. I'm leaving in peace. Ive hurt you all enough. _

 

This is what he was meant to do.

 

This was his purpose.

 

He thinks of death. 

  
  


_ What's it like to die? _

_ In solace or in disgrace. In beauty or in horror. _

  
  


He answers the question.

 

_ To die, feels like none of that at all. _

 

_ It's not beautiful and it isn't horror either. It's life. It's part of the cycle we create and it's like watching a sunset with the love of your life. You know it's ending. You know it's coming because it always does yet you're still shocked at how it comes. But you look over and you see that person. And you see the seconds and then darkness. _

 

_ To die is only to let the sun finally set. _

 

_ Our sun is setting mom. But it's still setting for you.  _

 

_ I am asleep. _

 

_ We’re home baby. And I am sorry for the drive. _

 

Michael walks in holding two cups.

 

He shakes Liz awake gently.

 

“Hey.” He smiles.

 

“Oh hi.” She rubs at her face.

 

“Why don't you go home and clean up, I'll take it over from here.” He whispers, almost like he’s scared to wake Luke up.

 

Liz turns and stares at him again. And for a second Luke thinks she's going to cry but she doesn't. She only stands and kisses him on the forehead.

 

“Alright.” 

 

She looks at Michael and takes one of the cups from him.

 

“Thank you...for everything. I love you.” She says.

 

And Luke can see the insides of Michael heating up.

 

And Luke wonders what he’s going to say.

 

“Thank you, for everything. I love you.” Michael simply repeats.

  
  


_ The little family, from Australia. _

 

_ The little broken family. _

 

Luke says.

 

Liz smiles but other than that she says nothing. She leaves, swiftly.

 

And Luke is left with Michael.

  
  


Michael, his only friend.

 

The boy that has been there forever.

 

It's Michael.

 

_ I'm leaving tomorrow. _

 

Luke says and Michael takes a seat in the chair.

 

“Hey kid.”

 

_ I don't know what to say to you. _

 

“I've got a lot to tell you.”

 

_ I know you wanted me to wake up but I've realized I'm not made for living. I was simply born to die. _

 

“When you wake up, I'll tell you the whole story. But you're really going to laugh your ass off when you hear what Calum said to the new nurse downstairs.”

 

_ Take care of him for me. _

 

“I swear sometimes, he’s more sarcastic than me.”

 

_ Love him like you know I would. _

 

“You two truly are perfect for each other.”

 

_ You're my best friend Michael. _

 

“You're my best friend Luke.”

 

_ I'm sorry it has to end this way. _

 

“I'm sorry it has to be this way.”

 

_ I'm going home now. _

 

“But I know you're coming back home now.”

 

_ It's time. _

 

“I feel it.”

 

And Luke cries.

 

Michael doesn't.

 

He puts his cup down on the side table and holds Luke’s hand.

 

“The little girl that I used to sneak gummy bears to died yesterday. Apparently while they were taking out the tumor her heart gave out, must have been panicking or something. Her name was Abby. Calum told me about her and she reminded me of you in a way. A sense of happiness unlike others. And while I know for the most part you aren’t happy, but when you are, you’re like a child. I don't know why I am telling you this I just thought I should. Maybe it's because I'm scared.”

 

_ I know her. And yes, she was happy. She was radiant to.  _

 

_ If you're scared it means you care. _

 

Oh Abby. He misses her.

 

He’s going to see her.

 

_ I'm saying goodbye Michael. And I know it's going to hurt you but you're going to be alright in the long run. I just know it. I know you. _

 

“Anyways I got to get going. Supposed to be meeting up with Calum for a movie night in his room. Today it's Frozen. I'm going to puke but I'll try not to. Just hold my nose like I did with you and your shitty taste in movies.”

 

_ HEY! _

 

On cue Michael laughs and his smile almost looks completed.

 

“I miss you Luke.”

 

_ I’ll miss you too Michael. _

 

And before Luke can realize anything else.

 

Michael is gone. Closing the door and on his way.

 

Luke stares at himself.

 

The empty decaying shell of himself that now is filled with nothing but paper skin and organs. Maybe he should donate them to someone that needs them.

 

Save a life.

 

_ I'm sorry we are parting ways. _

 

He stares at himself. Touching his ruined wrist.

 

_ But hey, I always thought your legs were too long anyway. _

 

He laughs.

 

He cries.

 

_ Thank you for keeping me safe through all these years. You're stronger than you look thats for sure. But more importantly I'm sorry for hurting you like this. Even if I'm technically saying sorry to myself when myself isn't sorry. It's difficult but you kept my heart beating. You ARE keeping my heart beating. _

 

He thinks of Calum.

 

_ I thank you for that. _

 

Luke takes one long look at himself again and then leaves the room as well.

 

He goes back to Abby's room because that's the only place his feet seem to know the way to now. 

 

He sits on her bed. 

 

He just sits there. Looking at her toys, the one he played with. The crowns and lipsticks. The princess table he hid underneath with Abby when they had their more “serious” talks. Her hair brush.

 

He misses Abby.

 

He said goodbye to everyone.

  
  


His mind was made up.

 

He wasn't coming back.

 

Luke knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is @ angelica-schuyller
> 
> thanks for reading
> 
> Ashxx

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is angelica-schuyller.tumblr.com
> 
> i dont check much on here so just go there for any corrections or pointers im still new to this thing and will take all the help i can get lol.
> 
> i love you and stay rad.


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